Saturday, February 12, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
fuck i hate labeouf
I hate Shia LaBeouf more than can be healthy. I don't think it's really acceptable, how much I'd love to watch him unarmed in a real life deathmatch situation with someone twice his size, who also Just happens to have a spoon and Must kill him with it. With it, and nothing else. Even seeing that, I'd Still feel no sympathy for him. Boy, you think you grew up in a hard neighborhood? You were on Even Stevens. Go fuck yourself.
I can't tell you how jealous I am of every actor. (Excuse me, I have an entire bottle of Zen of Zin wine in me. Delicious. Cheap. I like that combo.) But, its people like Shia that piss me off. If you're going to be doing what I wish I was, and at a younger age than me, then god Damn you'd best be good at it. And yet, he continues to act in a way that let's me know that "This is Shia as n" (N being whoever it is he's supposed to be at this point). Never has he made me feel it was credible. Never have I gotten lost in the acting, lost in the dialogue, certain that I'm catching a real glimpse of someones life. Of a real scene that normally, I wouldn't be privy to. No, I've always gotten "Ah man. Shia's shittly rattling off words again. At least they're in the right order!"
I just want to move on. I'm thinking of getting a second job. If I don't, I can enjoy 10 years of paying back loans. Don't ask me how that's acceptable to anyone. This system we have going? Fucking stupid. "Oh No! We're having economic troubles! It totally can't be from the fact that there are no new units of economic change!" Yes. Let's make sure anyone getting out of college *Read: Everyone worth mentioning* can't possibly afford to do anything real. Because, damn. We have a good thing going... Oh, wait. The dollars on fire, and we're still pretty much the laughingstock of the world community.
Hm. So. Second job. Money funneled directly into my debt, along with more of my main jobs money. I could pull this off. I just have to figure out where I can work to best handle these stupid shifts I have. OR, I could conceivably get a different Main job, and make my current main the secondary. Hmm... Wouldn't that be nice?
I can't tell you how jealous I am of every actor. (Excuse me, I have an entire bottle of Zen of Zin wine in me. Delicious. Cheap. I like that combo.) But, its people like Shia that piss me off. If you're going to be doing what I wish I was, and at a younger age than me, then god Damn you'd best be good at it. And yet, he continues to act in a way that let's me know that "This is Shia as n" (N being whoever it is he's supposed to be at this point). Never has he made me feel it was credible. Never have I gotten lost in the acting, lost in the dialogue, certain that I'm catching a real glimpse of someones life. Of a real scene that normally, I wouldn't be privy to. No, I've always gotten "Ah man. Shia's shittly rattling off words again. At least they're in the right order!"
I just want to move on. I'm thinking of getting a second job. If I don't, I can enjoy 10 years of paying back loans. Don't ask me how that's acceptable to anyone. This system we have going? Fucking stupid. "Oh No! We're having economic troubles! It totally can't be from the fact that there are no new units of economic change!" Yes. Let's make sure anyone getting out of college *Read: Everyone worth mentioning* can't possibly afford to do anything real. Because, damn. We have a good thing going... Oh, wait. The dollars on fire, and we're still pretty much the laughingstock of the world community.
Hm. So. Second job. Money funneled directly into my debt, along with more of my main jobs money. I could pull this off. I just have to figure out where I can work to best handle these stupid shifts I have. OR, I could conceivably get a different Main job, and make my current main the secondary. Hmm... Wouldn't that be nice?
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Oh, I am a Villain... But I'm not Your villain.
That is such a nice line. Heavens above, how I love such lines.
"Hell! Is Repetition!"
What a glorious moment in my life, such words exploding with all necessary emotion and flair of the dramatic. I don't think I'll ever have a line so well written, and so well timed. Of course, I invite anyone to attempt to top it, obviously. Write it, I'll portray it, and even if you fall short, I won't think any less of you. I'll simply have enjoyed the try. I still want to act, so badly. It's a fire in my blood. I know that, while I'm doing it, I feel invincible. A force that cannot be tamed, with only the hope of directing it between us all and it's fury. While on the stage, I know where I'm meant to be. I'm a creature made to wear the mask, to bring to life fantasy and fiction.
Sometimes it's weird to just be myself, you know?
I find it's so much easier to play a part. I know what's expected of me by everyone else. It's become instinct simply to satisfy it. And they all judge, of course, as if they really knew what I am. But they don't. The mob is as it always is. Stupid and base.
The idea of someone talking behind my back is always a curious one. On one hand, I could care less what most peoples feelings and thoughts towards me are. I don't have an abundance of respect to give out, so it's given out sparingly. On the other hand, I'm honestly just insulted they don't have the guts to say it to my face. I don't care what you have to say, I only care that you own up to it. Look me in the face when you have something to say, and be out with it. Otherwise, be on your way. You're obviously not worthy of moments of my full attention.
Oh, do I feel grandiose tonight! This is what happens when I want to act. I could bound all across the earth like this, I feel such an abundance of energy. I cannot Wait to be done with this phase of my life. Let the student loans get out of my Way, so as I can start Using this energy towards something worthwhile. I also suppose I could go back. I've been toying with that for a while.
Should I? I do admit I grow tired of having to say I didn't finish, having to explain myself. I shouldn't Have to explain myself. But I can't lie and say I wouldn't feel better with that stupid piece of paper, even if it ends up costing me a few more thousand over time... Maybe I could leave this pathetic job of mine. It'll keep me from doing anything stupid like getting myself fired, at least. Ah well.
Have a good one, World.
FragileArt.
"Hell! Is Repetition!"
What a glorious moment in my life, such words exploding with all necessary emotion and flair of the dramatic. I don't think I'll ever have a line so well written, and so well timed. Of course, I invite anyone to attempt to top it, obviously. Write it, I'll portray it, and even if you fall short, I won't think any less of you. I'll simply have enjoyed the try. I still want to act, so badly. It's a fire in my blood. I know that, while I'm doing it, I feel invincible. A force that cannot be tamed, with only the hope of directing it between us all and it's fury. While on the stage, I know where I'm meant to be. I'm a creature made to wear the mask, to bring to life fantasy and fiction.
Sometimes it's weird to just be myself, you know?
I find it's so much easier to play a part. I know what's expected of me by everyone else. It's become instinct simply to satisfy it. And they all judge, of course, as if they really knew what I am. But they don't. The mob is as it always is. Stupid and base.
The idea of someone talking behind my back is always a curious one. On one hand, I could care less what most peoples feelings and thoughts towards me are. I don't have an abundance of respect to give out, so it's given out sparingly. On the other hand, I'm honestly just insulted they don't have the guts to say it to my face. I don't care what you have to say, I only care that you own up to it. Look me in the face when you have something to say, and be out with it. Otherwise, be on your way. You're obviously not worthy of moments of my full attention.
Oh, do I feel grandiose tonight! This is what happens when I want to act. I could bound all across the earth like this, I feel such an abundance of energy. I cannot Wait to be done with this phase of my life. Let the student loans get out of my Way, so as I can start Using this energy towards something worthwhile. I also suppose I could go back. I've been toying with that for a while.
Should I? I do admit I grow tired of having to say I didn't finish, having to explain myself. I shouldn't Have to explain myself. But I can't lie and say I wouldn't feel better with that stupid piece of paper, even if it ends up costing me a few more thousand over time... Maybe I could leave this pathetic job of mine. It'll keep me from doing anything stupid like getting myself fired, at least. Ah well.
Have a good one, World.
FragileArt.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sleepy.
It's late. And I'm terrible at keeping up with these. I guess it's just a matter of me feeling like, if I'm gonna share what I'm thinking, it ought to be Exactly what I'm thinking. The only issue is, do I really want people to know that much about what goes on in my head? The world is filled with people just waiting for you to say something, something worth mocking. But you know what?
Fuck you.
I guess I'm just tired of silence. That's the great human fear, right? We're social creatures, so silence, being alone, those are our biggest worries. But I find myself in a web of silence that I don't enjoy in the least. People that used to be friends, or more than friends, either actively not talking to me, or actively not being talked To by me. What a sad shame that is. I'm doing my best to struggle free from a few of the sticky threads, and let a few of my own dissipate, but it still looms. It's constantly on my mind. Probably because most of them are old flames of mine, and I can honestly say I miss all of them, in a way. You never quite forget, do you? I know I'm basically stealing this part from a movie I just saw, but, the little things. You never forget those. No matter how painful or stupid the ending, there was something that drew me in.
I've loved a lot. Maybe not thoroughly romantically each time, but at least to a point many times. I recall trying to explain that once to a girlfriend, trying desperately to tell her that, No! I loved her dearly, but I still loved others. That doesn't take away from it, love is not a finite resource. It's a well that doesn't go dry. Each person that I've truly called friend, I've loved. Maybe it's just me, though. It takes so much sometimes to get past my defenses that I have to love you to let you get that far. So, you'll have to excuse me if I ever lose myself in nostalgia. Or have a moment that I just need to savor the bittersweet feeling of remembrance. I can't help it. They deserve it.
For now, though, I'm going to say that romantic love is not something I'm looking for. I have no idea what I'd want, or even how to really handle a relationship. I'm always surprised how little I actually know how to do. How does one not just fall into a rut, you know? What do you do when you're no longer Chasing a girl? I'm halfway decent at the chase, but that's only because I've had so much practice. You'd think I'd know how to have a relationship by now. By the practice vein, I should be alright. But, no. I'm usually gone by the time the glow has passed. (You know. The glow. That weird "I don't see flaws!" time period after you've met someone, and that person has piqued your interest.)
Bah! Anyhow, I'm sleepy. This is enough randomness for now. I'll try to have something real to talk about next time.
(fuck the quotes thing)
Fuck you.
I guess I'm just tired of silence. That's the great human fear, right? We're social creatures, so silence, being alone, those are our biggest worries. But I find myself in a web of silence that I don't enjoy in the least. People that used to be friends, or more than friends, either actively not talking to me, or actively not being talked To by me. What a sad shame that is. I'm doing my best to struggle free from a few of the sticky threads, and let a few of my own dissipate, but it still looms. It's constantly on my mind. Probably because most of them are old flames of mine, and I can honestly say I miss all of them, in a way. You never quite forget, do you? I know I'm basically stealing this part from a movie I just saw, but, the little things. You never forget those. No matter how painful or stupid the ending, there was something that drew me in.
I've loved a lot. Maybe not thoroughly romantically each time, but at least to a point many times. I recall trying to explain that once to a girlfriend, trying desperately to tell her that, No! I loved her dearly, but I still loved others. That doesn't take away from it, love is not a finite resource. It's a well that doesn't go dry. Each person that I've truly called friend, I've loved. Maybe it's just me, though. It takes so much sometimes to get past my defenses that I have to love you to let you get that far. So, you'll have to excuse me if I ever lose myself in nostalgia. Or have a moment that I just need to savor the bittersweet feeling of remembrance. I can't help it. They deserve it.
For now, though, I'm going to say that romantic love is not something I'm looking for. I have no idea what I'd want, or even how to really handle a relationship. I'm always surprised how little I actually know how to do. How does one not just fall into a rut, you know? What do you do when you're no longer Chasing a girl? I'm halfway decent at the chase, but that's only because I've had so much practice. You'd think I'd know how to have a relationship by now. By the practice vein, I should be alright. But, no. I'm usually gone by the time the glow has passed. (You know. The glow. That weird "I don't see flaws!" time period after you've met someone, and that person has piqued your interest.)
Bah! Anyhow, I'm sleepy. This is enough randomness for now. I'll try to have something real to talk about next time.
(fuck the quotes thing)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
K-Pax
Get it right on this pass. That's a line from Kevin Spacey's character. I guess I could have done a better job of that thus far, but I'm trying to set it right now. I may not be doing a very good job, perhaps, but we don't really get practice rounds, do we? I would just enjoy it if the difficulty level could be ratcheted down just alittle. I don't really care to bring up the biggest issue on my mind on here right now, such personal drama is rarely something that belongs in such a public place. I just... Beh. I make bad decisions, is all that anyone needs to know.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Apartment
Aw man, I'm going to miss this thing. I gotta say, living here with Taylor was definitely a treat, and there were moments that both enriched my life, and that I would never trade for the world. Heh... I'm getting sad just touching upon the subject. It's one of those things, you know? I'll never have it again, but it was the best while it lasted. I really am going to miss this whole experience, and I know that living with my family for while will constantly remind me of this. I'm confident, though, that should for some reason I need to get away from it, I'll be able to. I just need to start paying back some of what I owe, and when I get a good handle on that, I'll start considering a place of my own.
I dunno, though. I imagine that living by myself would kill me. I need the constant interaction of people. It's just who I am. When I have too much time to myself, I get too reflective and start to drive myself nuts. So, perhaps it Is best I wait. And, you know, the whole Australia thing might actually happen, so I'll have Erick to live with for a while, and that should be awesome. I love, and miss, that boy. What the Fuck is he doing so far away? Pff. Tool. (Of the Titans.)
Yeah. So, listening to my music right now. Tim McGraw. I gotta admit to it. Some of his songs, they're the most beloved in my world. Lyrics to songs like "Just To See You Smile," they get me every time. I guess I have some sort of naive assumption that this is exactly what love it, and some masochistic interest in being that sort of martyr. Beh. I'm something, but maybe not that.
Anyhow, I'm currently working on a film project with a friend of mine. I've never seen myself as the most creative person, preferring a script ready for me rather than improv or writing myself, but this far I've exceeded my expectations. I've helped him flesh out every character, and re-written the end (the idea at least, if not actually putting pen to paper myself) and, really, most of the story as well. I can't WAIT to play the part I want, though. It's a middling role, but he seems like such a fun, reckless type. It should be amazing, getting throw myself into that role as intensely as I have my last few. I don't mean to sound egotistic (Haha), but I'm so supremely confident in my talent right now, I'd take on Anything (besides like, Shakespeare. I'd get roasted there. Not my sorta thing.) right now. Bring me any role! I'll make it mine, and I'll turn it out as well as anyone else, and better than most. ;} Anyhow. Back to life. Tata.
FragileArt
"True country music is honesty, sincerity, and real life to the hilt."
Garth Brooks
I dunno, though. I imagine that living by myself would kill me. I need the constant interaction of people. It's just who I am. When I have too much time to myself, I get too reflective and start to drive myself nuts. So, perhaps it Is best I wait. And, you know, the whole Australia thing might actually happen, so I'll have Erick to live with for a while, and that should be awesome. I love, and miss, that boy. What the Fuck is he doing so far away? Pff. Tool. (Of the Titans.)
Yeah. So, listening to my music right now. Tim McGraw. I gotta admit to it. Some of his songs, they're the most beloved in my world. Lyrics to songs like "Just To See You Smile," they get me every time. I guess I have some sort of naive assumption that this is exactly what love it, and some masochistic interest in being that sort of martyr. Beh. I'm something, but maybe not that.
Anyhow, I'm currently working on a film project with a friend of mine. I've never seen myself as the most creative person, preferring a script ready for me rather than improv or writing myself, but this far I've exceeded my expectations. I've helped him flesh out every character, and re-written the end (the idea at least, if not actually putting pen to paper myself) and, really, most of the story as well. I can't WAIT to play the part I want, though. It's a middling role, but he seems like such a fun, reckless type. It should be amazing, getting throw myself into that role as intensely as I have my last few. I don't mean to sound egotistic (Haha), but I'm so supremely confident in my talent right now, I'd take on Anything (besides like, Shakespeare. I'd get roasted there. Not my sorta thing.) right now. Bring me any role! I'll make it mine, and I'll turn it out as well as anyone else, and better than most. ;} Anyhow. Back to life. Tata.
FragileArt
"True country music is honesty, sincerity, and real life to the hilt."
Garth Brooks
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
2 days.
That's it. I have two more days of college left. I mean, I guess I haven't had any college left for a While now, but humor me on this. I'm alittle sore right now. Erick Randolph enjoys trying to kill me every once and a while at parties. I'm going to go ahead and assume he could, if he was willing to actually hurt me, put me down. But if it's just pure skill, I'll get him every time in the wrestling department. Of course, showing him that last night at our "Fairwell Pot-Luck Dinner" resulted in a little bit of a concussion scare for me, and a big lump and swollen temple. Which looks awesome, right now. I can see little under the skin blood spots, it's really quite lovely. I can't bite down fully, lest it flex too much, and make my temple way too tight.
But enough about that (I won't even Tell you about the awesome takedown I had on him, getting my arm up infront of him as I kicked out the back of his knee and brought me arm ba... -Cough-) let's clue everyone in on where I am now. I've finished up all my shows for the semester by now. The one act went splendidly, for Tost. We had a really strong opening weekend, and though our second to last show was 'eh, and the last show was merely acceptable, I'm very happy with it. It apparently offended at least one person, and... Whatever, you know? At least it got them thinking. Alternative relationships have to get some light shined down on them, if they are ever to be fully accepted by the world. Plus, it's fun to prod closed-minded people. (ugh. Just touched the sore spot on my skull.) I think I may have lost a good friend on the final night of shows though, but honestly... I can't do it anymore. I'm done with people flipflopping, or walking all over me. I've pretty much set myself to the callous course of letting go. For some reason, I keep letting this one girl do it to me... But I don't actually think she means to. But I admit, I'm someone mean when I ignore her. It's only to save myself the emotional strain though, so, I cannot feel too bad about it, right? I've let someone that used to be (used to? Fuck off.) very important to me go, and she's proven me right thus far in this exercise on real life. But I know a piece of me still clings. And I have No idea what I'm going to do about Dave Matthews this summer. Supposed to be driving to see him with Lauren and her, and... That's two days in close contact with someone that doesn't want to invest any real emotion or care into me. So, yeah. And, yeah. Flipflopping? Not accepted, right now. I've exposed too much of my soft underbelly lately, I think it's a good time to grow some thicker hide.
It does suck, though. She helped me through a really horrible time in my life, and I really thought I'd been helpful to her, as well. But, apparently not, as she so delightfully told me. I keep considering sending her a message, or an e-mail, but I just don't want to. Not that I don't care. But I refuse. I did nothing wrong but allow myself to speak how I wanted to in the middle of a ridiculous situation. If she chooses to blow it all out of proportion in her own mind, that's her prerogative. It's just amusing to see the world flip on it's head, at this point, as my perennial enemies seem to treat me nicely and friends become hurtful.
But anyhow! Despite that, the show went well overall. I'm happy with it. My other show went stupendously as well. I put my all into that Lucifer character. I have no real regrets, though I do have to admit I'd love to have another showing, just to really get it this time. We were all alittle off... But, when you only have one showing, that's it, you know? I have a video from it, and I'm always surprised to see how much I enjoy watching my own acting (Ego alert!). I just used to hate seeing myself so much when I was younger. I'd hide, ask to go to the bathroom, when it was almost my turn to be shown on video to the class in spanish. I couldn't handle it back then. But now? I can feel the whole experience again as I watch, reliving it. Tearing myself apart, while at the same time enjoying what I did thoroughly.
This has to be my life. I want it, and I'll have it.
But enough about that (I won't even Tell you about the awesome takedown I had on him, getting my arm up infront of him as I kicked out the back of his knee and brought me arm ba... -Cough-) let's clue everyone in on where I am now. I've finished up all my shows for the semester by now. The one act went splendidly, for Tost. We had a really strong opening weekend, and though our second to last show was 'eh, and the last show was merely acceptable, I'm very happy with it. It apparently offended at least one person, and... Whatever, you know? At least it got them thinking. Alternative relationships have to get some light shined down on them, if they are ever to be fully accepted by the world. Plus, it's fun to prod closed-minded people. (ugh. Just touched the sore spot on my skull.) I think I may have lost a good friend on the final night of shows though, but honestly... I can't do it anymore. I'm done with people flipflopping, or walking all over me. I've pretty much set myself to the callous course of letting go. For some reason, I keep letting this one girl do it to me... But I don't actually think she means to. But I admit, I'm someone mean when I ignore her. It's only to save myself the emotional strain though, so, I cannot feel too bad about it, right? I've let someone that used to be (used to? Fuck off.) very important to me go, and she's proven me right thus far in this exercise on real life. But I know a piece of me still clings. And I have No idea what I'm going to do about Dave Matthews this summer. Supposed to be driving to see him with Lauren and her, and... That's two days in close contact with someone that doesn't want to invest any real emotion or care into me. So, yeah. And, yeah. Flipflopping? Not accepted, right now. I've exposed too much of my soft underbelly lately, I think it's a good time to grow some thicker hide.
It does suck, though. She helped me through a really horrible time in my life, and I really thought I'd been helpful to her, as well. But, apparently not, as she so delightfully told me. I keep considering sending her a message, or an e-mail, but I just don't want to. Not that I don't care. But I refuse. I did nothing wrong but allow myself to speak how I wanted to in the middle of a ridiculous situation. If she chooses to blow it all out of proportion in her own mind, that's her prerogative. It's just amusing to see the world flip on it's head, at this point, as my perennial enemies seem to treat me nicely and friends become hurtful.
But anyhow! Despite that, the show went well overall. I'm happy with it. My other show went stupendously as well. I put my all into that Lucifer character. I have no real regrets, though I do have to admit I'd love to have another showing, just to really get it this time. We were all alittle off... But, when you only have one showing, that's it, you know? I have a video from it, and I'm always surprised to see how much I enjoy watching my own acting (Ego alert!). I just used to hate seeing myself so much when I was younger. I'd hide, ask to go to the bathroom, when it was almost my turn to be shown on video to the class in spanish. I couldn't handle it back then. But now? I can feel the whole experience again as I watch, reliving it. Tearing myself apart, while at the same time enjoying what I did thoroughly.
This has to be my life. I want it, and I'll have it.
"Acting is half shame, half glory. Shame at exhibiting yourself, glory when you can forget yourself." - John Gielqud
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