vanity.

So, dear internet, it has been a simultaneously wild and mundane couple of months. Between working two jobs (hotel and two nights at the old gas station), a few film and acting endeavors (including my first paid film work that I may or may not post a link to depending on my mood by the end of this), family things, and just trying to fit in as much time with friends as possible, I find both little time to sleep and... Well, with the little time I get to play, all work Does make Mike a dull boy.

Simply put, there are too few hours in the day. Which is a blessing. If there were more, I'd just work more.

That is a sad realization to make, internet.

Anyhow, I just needed a place to vent tonight on how excited I am to see if me and a friend, http://pathofthehuman.blogspot.com author Scott, can't come up with some interesting ideas for short films. I need something to get my creative juices flowing, something to stretch those acting muscles that have been atrophying.

I've been trying to come up with ideas all night, as I'm paid here at this gas station basically to take up space. The things I'm coming up with, they all seem to exemplify my love of minimal tech. If I can run something without props, without anything special beyond a stage and an actor, you better damn well believe I will. Even if I can't, I'll try.

I'm stubborn.

This is why I feel I fit so well with my old acting group from college, TostAndTurned. It could be so minimalist at times. I love tearing these things down to the most basic factors, striping away the bullshit until only the actor remains. I came too see if you, and the magic you weave. I'm not interested in backdrops and other fluff. I want to see acting, and I'm not afraid to put all the pressure on those that set foot on stage. I know that's not the reason that Tost ran that way. We were poor. We made due with what we had, and what we didn't have. I don't know if my love of minimal tech and set developed from that, or if it'd been festering under the surface, waiting to finally make itself known, but either way, I have a passion for the poor mans production.

Anyhow, I've been on a zombie kick, and that was one of my first thoughts for a possible short. I'm sitting here, bouncing ideas around in my head for how to work it with no budget or competent makeup. The zombies don't have to be seen, though, so that solves most of the issues. But what should it be? Comedy? Drama? There are so many directions it could be taken. 

Haha, it feels so good to be thinking about something beyond mundane life issues. Car troubles, work, blagh, relationship woes, blah blah, worrying about fitting in runs, whine whine, bitch and moan. All of those things. Those are all the things I'd prefer not to have time to really consider. I'd prefer to be too focused on theatre, acting, film. I don't want the spare time to worry about any of that, because I'm just too engrossed in my passion. Alas, that'll have to wait, dear patient internet.

One step at a time, And I'll get there.

Just gotta show everyone just how stubbornly I can keep trying for it.

Fragile Art.

welcome to the world of entertainment.

(For whatever reason, this didn't post when I wrote it. So... The setting that I wrote this in is: Overnight, 3am, GetGo. So... Rarely a good mood place.)

I've started reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." It's something I've been avoiding for a while, but a very close friend of mine passed a copy into my hands and well... Why not, right?
Because I'm a jerk. That's why that was a bad choice.
She even knew it while handing it to me, and expressing how much it meant to her. She didn't think I'd be able to identify with the character, and that that was really important to really enjoying it. What I don't think she quite remembers is that growing up, I had just as much in common with the boy as anyone else.
(also, fyi, I'm only about a quarter of the way in, but I think I could probably write the rest in a much less eloquent way than Stephan.)
Most of Highschool, and pretty much
(oh dear god I'm at work and this woman must be the most ridiculously sad excuse for a "thinking" creature there is in the world dear jebus how does someone lack the shame or embarassment to actually ask "how do I swipe this?" When referring to their unemployment card at the atm dear FUCKING GOD THERE ARE TWO FUCKING OPTIONS, FACING ONE WAY OR THE OTHER AND FUCK DON'T PUT IT IN THE RECIEPT SLOT. Please. For all our sakes. Go drink kerosene, lady.)
all the grades before it saw me as just as depressing as this kid. Few friends, low as it gets social standing, desperately awkward. So, I get it.
Really, I do.
But these sorts of books, these sorts of characters only make me think one thing. "Man. This really feels like masturbation for my childhood." Truely, I love you, my friends. I really don't mean to be a jerk about something that so many of the people I care about love, so please don't take this as anything more than me being a grouch.
But masturbation is exactly it. We're stroking the memories of our younger selves, as awkward as that sounds. A hero has been created, and that might be the problem for me. I've never identified with the heros. But look at what we have. He's everything we ever were as the awkward, cast off child at the dance, watching all those prettier, more social and thus cooler kids living it up as we got bothered by bullies. Except, he's better. He's what we'd like to think we were, or wish we'd been. He's so heroically pure, so innocent before all the things that go down in his life. He can fight and beat the bullies but after one skuffle, he's the bigger man, choosing not to hurt him too much, and then never having to fight again. He's a wallflower, but he's noticed and revered for it. He has a penchant for uttering things that are pricelessly poetic. He has a crush, but he's so innocent about it... Beh. It's masterbation. We're simply getting off on the idea of having experienced all that we had, being able to identify with him, that brings us close to having been him.
That makes US the hero.
I'm just not too into that. It feels slightly perverse and sticky to me. We don't have to have been heros, or even be them.
We are who we are. That's not such a bad thing. *
With all that said, it's a half decent read thus far. I may finish it simply because I can't just Stop reading something. Jeez.
Fragile Art.
* unless you're unemployment lady. Then it is a bad thing.

a letter to remind me.

Life is so strange. I've never really thought about how little skill I have at writing letters, and how little I really have to convey with them. I finally read the letter of an old friend of mine. I met them during a bad time in my life, and while I treated them badly then, we've still managed to hammer out one of the stranger relationships that I have. We don't talk often, and when we're around each other we spend most of the time in silence, simply sitting oddly comfortable in each others presence. They were a balm of sorts for me once, and I think I've taken on that rule now... But it's just strange. It's a friendship I expect to read about, not live. It's straight from a John Irving novel. I suppose I'm talking about it here as a way to make less unreal. It exists because it's put down to words.

Any how, I owe them a letter, along with a number of people. Life is simply too numbing at the moment for me. What would I write? "Oh, hey, you know how it is. Just working everyday, sneaking in what film projects that I can, enjoying as each feels less useful and more a waste of my time than the last. Ah well! At least I occasionally work in a visit to a friend to break up the routine!" I play League Of Legends (badly), work (the minimum possible, but I've found ways to convince myself to keep at it), eat (unhealthily), and sleep (the last part here is a lie, typically.)

That's the current life.

I Have decided, though, that I would rather swallow a bullet than ever be one of the people that come through a gas station regularly (i.e. Daily). Honestly. That's not even an idle comment.

Fuck. I have to have something worth talking about beyond that. What is my opinion on something controversial...

The Beatles were ok?

Ok, ok. Whatever. So! No more facebook. Tis old news by now, but it feels like something that should be explained.

I don't like all the people that think I like them.

That's a big part of it. I grew very tired of reading about the everyday bullshit happenings in peoples lives who meant nothing to me beyond not caring to have the "we're not really friends" conversation. When half the people on my friends list became me conceding, I figured it was time to stop. Between my phone, google+, skype, and twitter, I can keep in touch with the important ones. The others... We'll, it's probably best to let those just fade away.

Friends lists... What a ridiculously high school concept anyway. It's the saddest popularity contest, even if you're not trying to collect friends. Just making the decision of what people to keep just so you don't have to be awkwardly caught after deleting them is depressing. So, no facebook. And nothing of value was lost.

Fragile Art

rain.

.It's a beautiful night for rain. It's so perfect, a brilliant book ending, and nature doing her best to cleanse me. I feel just so alive right now.

This book, A Book Thief... It's something. I've dreaded finishing it for close to a year. I've always kept it close, but I knew that it'd be a powerful ending. I just wasn't ready, you know? He kept teasing me with what was to come, letting me know the ending, but not the direct steps to it, and never quite hinting at the powerful words he'd use to describe it all.

I find it hard to put it into words. Out was jotted down with such tenderness, it was heartbreaking. It started so slow, it made me anxious, and then when he finally got to it, to the real ending, I could feel tears welling up. I'm sitting here in a dingy, messy getgo office, listening to mem work right outside the open doorway. As they lay down our new floor, I'm finding myself almost sobbing. He made me care so much for Hans and Rosa, for Rudy. You'd have to be a monster to not care for them as much as I did in the end. There I am, tears just doing what tears do. Fucking hot damn, mister Markus Zusak. Thank you for that.

I needed it. It's been a day, honestly. A good one, a bad one. Visited old stomping grounds, took a small step towards finishing my degree. I stole time with friends, held hands, kissed cheeks, hugged for minutes, drank in of them. This is what life is about. Screw all those fancy ideas of careers, legacies, change and money. Life is friendship. It's sharing moments. It's trading in care and love, the important passions. I prefer to fill my life with those, with a tiny amount of time set aside for lesser things like accruing money and making a name for myself. If it were possible to keep these people all in one place, I don't think I'd even care much to do that. Sadly, they all seem interested in living their own lives and chasing dreams and such.

Whatever.

So, to make continual contact possible, I suppose I should work on this career and money thing. So sad.

One more visit to iup is planned for tomorrow, and filled already with friends. A late lunch with a friendship I am hoping I can rekindle, a day with a friend who needs all the love he can get right now, and a place offered to comfortably sleep and talk.

What a delightful life.

I love how something like a good movie or book enlivens me. The absolute best drug.

Fragile Art

five miles.

In actuality, it happened a couple days ago, but I finally hit the 5 mile mark for running. Lauren, my ruining buddy/coach, took me through a winding Oakland course she'd devised, and at the end of it, we measured in somewhere around 5.2 miles.

It wasn't an ideal run of it, as I'd love to lie and report. There were times that I had to take a moment to let my legs refresh, either from being gassed by hills, or dealing with troubling knee/ankle pains.

But fuck you. I ran 5 miles. Don't be a jerk. (Even if I'm just talking to myself. If you aren't thinking me lame for not going stronger, you can rest assured that "fuck you" wasn't intended for you.)

Anyhow, it's just stupidly exciting that I can run now without getting tired. If not for hills, I feel like I could run almost any reasonable distance. There was a point during the run that I just couldn't believe I was still going strong. It was surreal, something that wouldn't have seemed feasible not even three months ago. It's not that impressive, but I'm proud of it.

Had another Redeye Theatre last saturday. I love 24 hour theatre, but oh how it makes me yearn for days when I had a real full length to put up. I mean, the experience of slowly becoming a recognized piece of a theatrical machine is always delightful, but it's not quite what Tost felt like. I'm so ready to move up to something bigger, something with more pressure and a chance to actually fail. Both this, being redeye, and Tost are/were gentle. Less than professional, relaxed. I want that feeling of nervous anticipation. That special kind of anxiety that comes with the chance of Not getting the E-mail telling you that you got the part. Patience, though. I have to muster some patience, no matter how hard it gets.

There will always be time, and when there isn't anymore, I won't be around for it to matter. Yay!

I love that I'm ending this on that note.

Fragile Art.

changes

Life update time. Honestly, writing this all out always seems to help me think a bit clearer, so... Actually, fuck that. I don't need an excuse to fling the stories of my life into the nether. You all are the ones needing the excuse, reading something as boring as my life.

Anyhow. Philly trip, new job, school dilemma.

I went out to Philadelphia after Boris got the idea into my head of surprising his girlfriend, and my good friend, MaryKay with a birthday visit. I love being spontaneous like that, but there is always a bit of me less than enthused with my spending habits. I need to be saving, putting myself on a budget, being an adult. These are things I should be doing. But what is life without these moments? I love those two way too much to let so much time pass without seeing them as I allowed in the past. There were moments that I wouldn't have traded for anything, and the weekend was worth every penny. Some hilarious karaoke, a birthday dinner and party that I'll remember forever, a game of soccer that my body is still trying to forget. These things are beautiful, and remind me what everything is about.

I have a new job. I admit, it's not a big change from what I already have, as I'll be working front desk for a hotel. But, there are such better prospects with this place, and if I may be desperately honest, the culture change is what I need the most. The people at my older job, I can't think of more petty people. I have one person there that I would call a friend. The rest are so unhappy with their lives, or dead to the world already, that it leeches away at you. I feel that energy sapping away from me every hour I spend toiling and wasting myself in their building. It's a sick, cancerous thing, and it tries so hard to kill you. To drain you dry. I came here hoping to help change things, and was slowly defeated. It's rough here. But, now it's just an easy way to make a couple extra dollars to weasel away. I can start saving for my life Post loan debt! What a wondrous life that will be.

Honestly, I'm not so worried about schooling. Erick kinda saved me from that with a bit if sage advice. I still need to make a few calls, but it no longer has that bleak feeling to it. When I look forward, I don't feel that foreboding sense, that curious "shit's going to hit the fan" tingle.

Annnd, I'm done. I'm tired. And I should be working.

FragileArt

naivete.

Well, it had to happen someday, huh? The whole point of this blog has been for me to occasionally just shout opinions, ideas, and feelings into the void; to vent away some of that in a healthier way then arguing with strangers. I couldn't care less what most think of me, so what's the harm?

The innocent bystanders! The humanity!

Heh, oh, don't mind me. I'm just stroking my ego, acting like these opinions have any effect on the world. But, seriously, I'm going to stop citing people when I'm taking about some sort of alternative style of thinking. I just loath to give people around my friends more reason to dislike me, and bother them about.

I just can't believe how naive I was about it. I never really thought anyone would bother to read it (y'all need to find some hobbies, or somethin'). But a friend summed it up well on twitter. "Google -> Twitter -> Blog." I knew it wouldn't be Hard to find. It's just... I'm actually pretty humbled by the fact that people are interested enough to follow. 'Course, then I'm all "But... But now people that I don't want in my life can keep up with it!" Which is closely followed by a giggle that those people are just proving that I must just be so terribly interesting that they need a bit of me in their life.

But there its a whole range of that sort of thinking for me, each time I open this app on my phone. Do I care to let people into my life in such a one sided way? -Shrugs.- Obviously I must, cause I keep posting.

Anyhow. Do I have anything worth getting worked up in a blog about today... Hmm... Not really, I suppose. Life had been pretty good to me lately. I'm running a good deal, getting trained by a close friend, which is just wonderful. I feel so much better, physically, even with the soreness. Getting into half decent shape just gives me even More confidence, and stealing time, real quality time, with my friend... Haha, I missed it. It's tremendous. I don't think she quite knows how much I appreciate the time, but, I do. It's hard to verbalize these things sometimes, even with all the effort I put towards trying to eschew some typical masculine social behavior. Today, I'll be running my first 5k race, and it's awesome that she decided to do just the 5k with me. Running buddies.

I've also just had an interesting couple weeks in terms of my romantic life, as well. I went to mytrle beach with an old friend, one of those "oh, we missed our opportunity to be with one another" situations. You all know what that is. And... In the week we spent together, it was like we condensed an entire relationship into those 7 days. The beginning was intense, and it sort of relaxed as the days passed. But it was nice. I can find no better way to explain it. It was nice. Both of us knew what we'd signed up for, and with that understanding came the ability to just enjoy it for what it was.

It gives me hope. I've grown so accustomed to people simply losing it when it comes to any emotional matter, that it's really refreshing to see something work out.

Ok, ok. I've gotten sappy. These are exactly the things that I wonder if I'm fine with sharing with some of my friendships (used loosely). Beh. But fuck it. A closer look into my personal life than most will ever get. Feel honored.

It's past time I brought an end to this post. Y'all have a good day.

Fragile Art