changes

Life update time. Honestly, writing this all out always seems to help me think a bit clearer, so... Actually, fuck that. I don't need an excuse to fling the stories of my life into the nether. You all are the ones needing the excuse, reading something as boring as my life.

Anyhow. Philly trip, new job, school dilemma.

I went out to Philadelphia after Boris got the idea into my head of surprising his girlfriend, and my good friend, MaryKay with a birthday visit. I love being spontaneous like that, but there is always a bit of me less than enthused with my spending habits. I need to be saving, putting myself on a budget, being an adult. These are things I should be doing. But what is life without these moments? I love those two way too much to let so much time pass without seeing them as I allowed in the past. There were moments that I wouldn't have traded for anything, and the weekend was worth every penny. Some hilarious karaoke, a birthday dinner and party that I'll remember forever, a game of soccer that my body is still trying to forget. These things are beautiful, and remind me what everything is about.

I have a new job. I admit, it's not a big change from what I already have, as I'll be working front desk for a hotel. But, there are such better prospects with this place, and if I may be desperately honest, the culture change is what I need the most. The people at my older job, I can't think of more petty people. I have one person there that I would call a friend. The rest are so unhappy with their lives, or dead to the world already, that it leeches away at you. I feel that energy sapping away from me every hour I spend toiling and wasting myself in their building. It's a sick, cancerous thing, and it tries so hard to kill you. To drain you dry. I came here hoping to help change things, and was slowly defeated. It's rough here. But, now it's just an easy way to make a couple extra dollars to weasel away. I can start saving for my life Post loan debt! What a wondrous life that will be.

Honestly, I'm not so worried about schooling. Erick kinda saved me from that with a bit if sage advice. I still need to make a few calls, but it no longer has that bleak feeling to it. When I look forward, I don't feel that foreboding sense, that curious "shit's going to hit the fan" tingle.

Annnd, I'm done. I'm tired. And I should be working.

FragileArt

naivete.

Well, it had to happen someday, huh? The whole point of this blog has been for me to occasionally just shout opinions, ideas, and feelings into the void; to vent away some of that in a healthier way then arguing with strangers. I couldn't care less what most think of me, so what's the harm?

The innocent bystanders! The humanity!

Heh, oh, don't mind me. I'm just stroking my ego, acting like these opinions have any effect on the world. But, seriously, I'm going to stop citing people when I'm taking about some sort of alternative style of thinking. I just loath to give people around my friends more reason to dislike me, and bother them about.

I just can't believe how naive I was about it. I never really thought anyone would bother to read it (y'all need to find some hobbies, or somethin'). But a friend summed it up well on twitter. "Google -> Twitter -> Blog." I knew it wouldn't be Hard to find. It's just... I'm actually pretty humbled by the fact that people are interested enough to follow. 'Course, then I'm all "But... But now people that I don't want in my life can keep up with it!" Which is closely followed by a giggle that those people are just proving that I must just be so terribly interesting that they need a bit of me in their life.

But there its a whole range of that sort of thinking for me, each time I open this app on my phone. Do I care to let people into my life in such a one sided way? -Shrugs.- Obviously I must, cause I keep posting.

Anyhow. Do I have anything worth getting worked up in a blog about today... Hmm... Not really, I suppose. Life had been pretty good to me lately. I'm running a good deal, getting trained by a close friend, which is just wonderful. I feel so much better, physically, even with the soreness. Getting into half decent shape just gives me even More confidence, and stealing time, real quality time, with my friend... Haha, I missed it. It's tremendous. I don't think she quite knows how much I appreciate the time, but, I do. It's hard to verbalize these things sometimes, even with all the effort I put towards trying to eschew some typical masculine social behavior. Today, I'll be running my first 5k race, and it's awesome that she decided to do just the 5k with me. Running buddies.

I've also just had an interesting couple weeks in terms of my romantic life, as well. I went to mytrle beach with an old friend, one of those "oh, we missed our opportunity to be with one another" situations. You all know what that is. And... In the week we spent together, it was like we condensed an entire relationship into those 7 days. The beginning was intense, and it sort of relaxed as the days passed. But it was nice. I can find no better way to explain it. It was nice. Both of us knew what we'd signed up for, and with that understanding came the ability to just enjoy it for what it was.

It gives me hope. I've grown so accustomed to people simply losing it when it comes to any emotional matter, that it's really refreshing to see something work out.

Ok, ok. I've gotten sappy. These are exactly the things that I wonder if I'm fine with sharing with some of my friendships (used loosely). Beh. But fuck it. A closer look into my personal life than most will ever get. Feel honored.

It's past time I brought an end to this post. Y'all have a good day.

Fragile Art

past tense

Past time.

It's something on my head tonight, (Mike being nostalgic? Who'd have seen That coming) and it felt like something worth a post. It's starting to feel like time is just... Escaping? Escaping me. That a good enough way to put it. Now that I'm not taking classes, I can just feel the moments road runner-ing past, and I feel like poor Wily, flat against a wall that had been painted to look like a tunnel entrance. I'm just trying to live, you know? It seems so strange to be the bad guy when that's all I'm striving for.

I miss midnight basketball with Boris, Bill, Ajit, and the revolving door of other characters. I miss fooling around in the honors college. I miss reading after school in the public library (among other things). I truely miss coming home and not wondering what my brother was going to do with his life, because there only seemed to be opportunities ahead.

This is not at all saying I'm not content with the way things are moving, don't take it that way. Life is pretty wonderful. I have made friends that mean the world to me, and reconnected with some older ones that used to. I have a relatively clear plan for the next year of my life. I've taken some steps to make Sure I start taking better care if my body, and have gotten plenty of free time to drink my masks away. I'm particularly happy with how I've come to terms with a few things. Admitted things to myself, and become healthier as a result.

Also, I didn't get attacked by rapters on the 22nd, which can only mean I'm doing things right. :] It honestly pains me that there were people that believed that might come to pass. That truely were so Certain that god was going to take the time to pluck them specifically, those true believers, away from the shitstorm he had planned for those darned dirty sinners. Cause it's always fun to be part of the elite. But how did it feel for them, directly after? I'd prefer to never know. How empty that had to feel. And, how could you feel after spending your families life savings? Beggaring yourself and maybe loved ones, only to wake up on the 23rd, still here? Embarassment, disillusionment, guilt, devastation, and feeling cheated all in one? I'll pass on that feeling, if I can.

Ugh. That makes me cringe in sympathy pain. I don't know if I can even mock them, after what they must be feeling now.

Also! My calves Burn and Ache, courtesy of one miss Lauren. I'm starting up some running training with her. See if I can't work off some of these excess pounds I picked up somewhere. But I'm super excited about this. I know that when I used to keep up with my decent workout schedule, I had so much more positive energy. I will welcome it's return, trust me. Also, I would prefer to never look like some of the people that come through my job.

Anyhow! Work!

Fragile Art

ho hum.

It's very early, and I should be asleep. Red eye is tomorrow, and here I am. Some nights, I suppose. Perhaps I'll get to play the villain tomorrow.

Fragile Art.

can't stop me now.

I've been meaning to write something for a couple days now, but I've yet to find that spark I need to write something acceptable enough to share. There are all sorts of topics to choose from that the world has been kind as to offer me... Royal wedding (if you cared about that, I honestly don't care much about you), Osama dying (I love watching people celebrate more death? Oh, wait, I don't. Whatever he's done, let's not become monsters over it. Accept it and move on, please), this wonderfully dreary weather... Plenty. But, nothing that has me worked up enough.

It's going to be nice to get out of PA. I think I've got just about all I can out of this place. If I stay any longer, I feel like I'll just go ahead, gain 40 pounds, take to wearing white tees, a pack of cigs in my front pocket, and ill-fitting jeans. If I'll do it, I'll do it hard. That's all this place offers any of us. (trust me, I see everyone in pa. It's the inevitable end this place has for it's victims.)

I get a bit of a mini-view of life away from here come june. A week away, south carolina, an old friend to catch up with and NOTHING TO DO. Nothing but laying in grass or sand, feeling the earth spin ever so softly under me. Pretending I'm 8 again, letting the days drag and stretch. Mm. Should be awesome. :]

Hm. And my mood has improved so much. Thank you, Blog. Y'all have a good night, friends and fakes alike. I love ya all.

Fragile Art

uh oh.

It's the big one. Turns out I'm going to need to ramp up my timetables here. There is a possibility of me moving out of PA as soon next year. Isn't that crazy? Have I finished everything here? What's left undone?

Well, first is college. I hate to cave, and those who know me, know I almost Fear being wrong, so... A big step. Life changing, right? In so many ways. Financially, this is going to put ripples to the pond (or puddles, but I won't go to war with you over words. Ah. Puddles. Cute how memory catches on silly things). But, if I'm going to do it, I need to Now. So, wednesday, bright and early I shall bug my old advisor, and chat up the registrar to see what Must be done to finish me out.

Man. Out of PA. Wild. Uncertain. Intriguing. No matter what I do, there will be words left unsaid, and deeds left undone. There are people I see now, and will miss as we lose touch. And there are those I've already lost touch with, and I'll miss them just as dearly, but the wider chasm will make it more acceptable. I'll shed this place, for better or worse.

And I won't even be there long... Damn. This will be a wild ride. I'm not ready, but I've Never been ready. Always too young, in mind, body. I've always felt like I get into my races ten seconds after the others have started, and it's so daunting to catch up. Daunting, normally, because I wasn't that great at most of the races. I've found the few that I shine best at, and can sprint to make up the distance, but here again... I feel like I just Finished a race and haven't been given proper recovery time. I Really wanted to handle these loans before I left, but, that doesn't seem to be an option. So, I hurtle myself off this cliff, and spread my arms, come what be.

A year is hard enough without Sam, but two? And no Erick for the second year? And who knows what would happen in that time. No. the cliff with them it is. I trust them and their intuition. This could turn out to be perfect, the best choice I've made (in, I'll admit, a line of sometimed suspect choices). Let's see!

Fragile Art.

ohhh, you

Figures.

Fragile Art