Sunday, December 26, 2010


It's late. And I'm terrible at keeping up with these. I guess it's just a matter of me feeling like, if I'm gonna share what I'm thinking, it ought to be Exactly what I'm thinking. The only issue is, do I really want people to know that much about what goes on in my head? The world is filled with people just waiting for you to say something, something worth mocking. But you know what?

Fuck you.

I guess I'm just tired of silence. That's the great human fear, right? We're social creatures, so silence, being alone, those are our biggest worries. But I find myself in a web of silence that I don't enjoy in the least. People that used to be friends, or more than friends, either actively not talking to me, or actively not being talked To by me. What a sad shame that is. I'm doing my best to struggle free from a few of the sticky threads, and let a few of my own dissipate, but it still looms. It's constantly on my mind. Probably because most of them are old flames of mine, and I can honestly say I miss all of them, in a way. You never quite forget, do you? I know I'm basically stealing this part from a movie I just saw, but, the little things. You never forget those. No matter how painful or stupid the ending, there was something that drew me in.

I've loved a lot. Maybe not thoroughly romantically each time, but at least to a point many times. I recall trying to explain that once to a girlfriend, trying desperately to tell her that, No! I loved her dearly, but I still loved others. That doesn't take away from it, love is not a finite resource. It's a well that doesn't go dry. Each person that I've truly called friend, I've loved. Maybe it's just me, though. It takes so much sometimes to get past my defenses that I have to love you to let you get that far. So, you'll have to excuse me if I ever lose myself in nostalgia. Or have a moment that I just need to savor the bittersweet feeling of remembrance. I can't help it. They deserve it.

For now, though, I'm going to say that romantic love is not something I'm looking for. I have no idea what I'd want, or even how to really handle a relationship. I'm always surprised how little I actually know how to do. How does one not just fall into a rut, you know? What do you do when you're no longer Chasing a girl? I'm halfway decent at the chase, but that's only because I've had so much practice. You'd think I'd know how to have a relationship by now. By the practice vein, I should be alright. But, no. I'm usually gone by the time the glow has passed. (You know. The glow. That weird "I don't see flaws!" time period after you've met someone, and that person has piqued your interest.)

Bah! Anyhow, I'm sleepy. This is enough randomness for now. I'll try to have something real to talk about next time.

(fuck the quotes thing)

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