i want to live to see you undress.

.Ok, so attempt numero uno failed hard for me on the whole... Trying to get with my buddy Scott and see if we have the juice and creativity to make something happen film wise. Miscommunications (the story of my life) ruled the day. But! There is always tomorrow, right?  Or, more specifically, next monday or tuesday. Fingers crossed, kids.

I admit I don't have much really fleshed out in terms of ideas. But I have all these... Vague, nebulous ones that just need someone else more creative than I to take them a step farther. If Scott is that guy, then huzzah! If not... It can't hurt to try. I need something to feed me. I don't like the dull vibe I have these days.

Someone get me a goddamn script and a stage.

The way I spend my days? Work. Skyrim. League. Intensely Awkward and conflicting social situations.

Anything else? Ah, yes. Sleep once a week or so. I don't know if I have a particularly healthy social circle anymore. They're either too far away or riddled with issues. But, hey, I'm a big boy, and big boys make square pegs fit through round sockets (is... Is this phrasing weird to you, too? Good. Not just me.)

Oh! Can we finally state, officially, that anyone that doesn't believe in evolution is an idiot? Just... The worst kind of backward? I'm talking confederate flag wavin', tobacco chewin', sister screwin' backward? I mean... Come on. Seriously now. I saw a little magnet on a car today of a fish with "truth" on it, eating a darwin fish.

On a Toyota Camry.

It's just a kinda depressing car, ok?

But seriously. I puked alittle in my mouth. How... How long until those people die off? I feel like the people who, after learning that illnesses were caused by bacteria and such, rather than evil spirits. It's just sad to think they're out there, pleased as could be to be stubbornly idiotic. We're at the point that evolution is on par with gravity as being a solid lock for existing and turning out true.

I could have slapped that driver, had we not both been in moving vehicles. Ugh.

Go talk amongst yourselves. I have stuff to do.

Fragile Art.

vanity.

So, dear internet, it has been a simultaneously wild and mundane couple of months. Between working two jobs (hotel and two nights at the old gas station), a few film and acting endeavors (including my first paid film work that I may or may not post a link to depending on my mood by the end of this), family things, and just trying to fit in as much time with friends as possible, I find both little time to sleep and... Well, with the little time I get to play, all work Does make Mike a dull boy.

Simply put, there are too few hours in the day. Which is a blessing. If there were more, I'd just work more.

That is a sad realization to make, internet.

Anyhow, I just needed a place to vent tonight on how excited I am to see if me and a friend, http://pathofthehuman.blogspot.com author Scott, can't come up with some interesting ideas for short films. I need something to get my creative juices flowing, something to stretch those acting muscles that have been atrophying.

I've been trying to come up with ideas all night, as I'm paid here at this gas station basically to take up space. The things I'm coming up with, they all seem to exemplify my love of minimal tech. If I can run something without props, without anything special beyond a stage and an actor, you better damn well believe I will. Even if I can't, I'll try.

I'm stubborn.

This is why I feel I fit so well with my old acting group from college, TostAndTurned. It could be so minimalist at times. I love tearing these things down to the most basic factors, striping away the bullshit until only the actor remains. I came too see if you, and the magic you weave. I'm not interested in backdrops and other fluff. I want to see acting, and I'm not afraid to put all the pressure on those that set foot on stage. I know that's not the reason that Tost ran that way. We were poor. We made due with what we had, and what we didn't have. I don't know if my love of minimal tech and set developed from that, or if it'd been festering under the surface, waiting to finally make itself known, but either way, I have a passion for the poor mans production.

Anyhow, I've been on a zombie kick, and that was one of my first thoughts for a possible short. I'm sitting here, bouncing ideas around in my head for how to work it with no budget or competent makeup. The zombies don't have to be seen, though, so that solves most of the issues. But what should it be? Comedy? Drama? There are so many directions it could be taken. 

Haha, it feels so good to be thinking about something beyond mundane life issues. Car troubles, work, blagh, relationship woes, blah blah, worrying about fitting in runs, whine whine, bitch and moan. All of those things. Those are all the things I'd prefer not to have time to really consider. I'd prefer to be too focused on theatre, acting, film. I don't want the spare time to worry about any of that, because I'm just too engrossed in my passion. Alas, that'll have to wait, dear patient internet.

One step at a time, And I'll get there.

Just gotta show everyone just how stubbornly I can keep trying for it.

Fragile Art.

welcome to the world of entertainment.

(For whatever reason, this didn't post when I wrote it. So... The setting that I wrote this in is: Overnight, 3am, GetGo. So... Rarely a good mood place.)

I've started reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower." It's something I've been avoiding for a while, but a very close friend of mine passed a copy into my hands and well... Why not, right?
Because I'm a jerk. That's why that was a bad choice.
She even knew it while handing it to me, and expressing how much it meant to her. She didn't think I'd be able to identify with the character, and that that was really important to really enjoying it. What I don't think she quite remembers is that growing up, I had just as much in common with the boy as anyone else.
(also, fyi, I'm only about a quarter of the way in, but I think I could probably write the rest in a much less eloquent way than Stephan.)
Most of Highschool, and pretty much
(oh dear god I'm at work and this woman must be the most ridiculously sad excuse for a "thinking" creature there is in the world dear jebus how does someone lack the shame or embarassment to actually ask "how do I swipe this?" When referring to their unemployment card at the atm dear FUCKING GOD THERE ARE TWO FUCKING OPTIONS, FACING ONE WAY OR THE OTHER AND FUCK DON'T PUT IT IN THE RECIEPT SLOT. Please. For all our sakes. Go drink kerosene, lady.)
all the grades before it saw me as just as depressing as this kid. Few friends, low as it gets social standing, desperately awkward. So, I get it.
Really, I do.
But these sorts of books, these sorts of characters only make me think one thing. "Man. This really feels like masturbation for my childhood." Truely, I love you, my friends. I really don't mean to be a jerk about something that so many of the people I care about love, so please don't take this as anything more than me being a grouch.
But masturbation is exactly it. We're stroking the memories of our younger selves, as awkward as that sounds. A hero has been created, and that might be the problem for me. I've never identified with the heros. But look at what we have. He's everything we ever were as the awkward, cast off child at the dance, watching all those prettier, more social and thus cooler kids living it up as we got bothered by bullies. Except, he's better. He's what we'd like to think we were, or wish we'd been. He's so heroically pure, so innocent before all the things that go down in his life. He can fight and beat the bullies but after one skuffle, he's the bigger man, choosing not to hurt him too much, and then never having to fight again. He's a wallflower, but he's noticed and revered for it. He has a penchant for uttering things that are pricelessly poetic. He has a crush, but he's so innocent about it... Beh. It's masterbation. We're simply getting off on the idea of having experienced all that we had, being able to identify with him, that brings us close to having been him.
That makes US the hero.
I'm just not too into that. It feels slightly perverse and sticky to me. We don't have to have been heros, or even be them.
We are who we are. That's not such a bad thing. *
With all that said, it's a half decent read thus far. I may finish it simply because I can't just Stop reading something. Jeez.
Fragile Art.
* unless you're unemployment lady. Then it is a bad thing.

a letter to remind me.

Life is so strange. I've never really thought about how little skill I have at writing letters, and how little I really have to convey with them. I finally read the letter of an old friend of mine. I met them during a bad time in my life, and while I treated them badly then, we've still managed to hammer out one of the stranger relationships that I have. We don't talk often, and when we're around each other we spend most of the time in silence, simply sitting oddly comfortable in each others presence. They were a balm of sorts for me once, and I think I've taken on that rule now... But it's just strange. It's a friendship I expect to read about, not live. It's straight from a John Irving novel. I suppose I'm talking about it here as a way to make less unreal. It exists because it's put down to words.

Any how, I owe them a letter, along with a number of people. Life is simply too numbing at the moment for me. What would I write? "Oh, hey, you know how it is. Just working everyday, sneaking in what film projects that I can, enjoying as each feels less useful and more a waste of my time than the last. Ah well! At least I occasionally work in a visit to a friend to break up the routine!" I play League Of Legends (badly), work (the minimum possible, but I've found ways to convince myself to keep at it), eat (unhealthily), and sleep (the last part here is a lie, typically.)

That's the current life.

I Have decided, though, that I would rather swallow a bullet than ever be one of the people that come through a gas station regularly (i.e. Daily). Honestly. That's not even an idle comment.

Fuck. I have to have something worth talking about beyond that. What is my opinion on something controversial...

The Beatles were ok?

Ok, ok. Whatever. So! No more facebook. Tis old news by now, but it feels like something that should be explained.

I don't like all the people that think I like them.

That's a big part of it. I grew very tired of reading about the everyday bullshit happenings in peoples lives who meant nothing to me beyond not caring to have the "we're not really friends" conversation. When half the people on my friends list became me conceding, I figured it was time to stop. Between my phone, google+, skype, and twitter, I can keep in touch with the important ones. The others... We'll, it's probably best to let those just fade away.

Friends lists... What a ridiculously high school concept anyway. It's the saddest popularity contest, even if you're not trying to collect friends. Just making the decision of what people to keep just so you don't have to be awkwardly caught after deleting them is depressing. So, no facebook. And nothing of value was lost.

Fragile Art

rain.

.It's a beautiful night for rain. It's so perfect, a brilliant book ending, and nature doing her best to cleanse me. I feel just so alive right now.

This book, A Book Thief... It's something. I've dreaded finishing it for close to a year. I've always kept it close, but I knew that it'd be a powerful ending. I just wasn't ready, you know? He kept teasing me with what was to come, letting me know the ending, but not the direct steps to it, and never quite hinting at the powerful words he'd use to describe it all.

I find it hard to put it into words. Out was jotted down with such tenderness, it was heartbreaking. It started so slow, it made me anxious, and then when he finally got to it, to the real ending, I could feel tears welling up. I'm sitting here in a dingy, messy getgo office, listening to mem work right outside the open doorway. As they lay down our new floor, I'm finding myself almost sobbing. He made me care so much for Hans and Rosa, for Rudy. You'd have to be a monster to not care for them as much as I did in the end. There I am, tears just doing what tears do. Fucking hot damn, mister Markus Zusak. Thank you for that.

I needed it. It's been a day, honestly. A good one, a bad one. Visited old stomping grounds, took a small step towards finishing my degree. I stole time with friends, held hands, kissed cheeks, hugged for minutes, drank in of them. This is what life is about. Screw all those fancy ideas of careers, legacies, change and money. Life is friendship. It's sharing moments. It's trading in care and love, the important passions. I prefer to fill my life with those, with a tiny amount of time set aside for lesser things like accruing money and making a name for myself. If it were possible to keep these people all in one place, I don't think I'd even care much to do that. Sadly, they all seem interested in living their own lives and chasing dreams and such.

Whatever.

So, to make continual contact possible, I suppose I should work on this career and money thing. So sad.

One more visit to iup is planned for tomorrow, and filled already with friends. A late lunch with a friendship I am hoping I can rekindle, a day with a friend who needs all the love he can get right now, and a place offered to comfortably sleep and talk.

What a delightful life.

I love how something like a good movie or book enlivens me. The absolute best drug.

Fragile Art

five miles.

In actuality, it happened a couple days ago, but I finally hit the 5 mile mark for running. Lauren, my ruining buddy/coach, took me through a winding Oakland course she'd devised, and at the end of it, we measured in somewhere around 5.2 miles.

It wasn't an ideal run of it, as I'd love to lie and report. There were times that I had to take a moment to let my legs refresh, either from being gassed by hills, or dealing with troubling knee/ankle pains.

But fuck you. I ran 5 miles. Don't be a jerk. (Even if I'm just talking to myself. If you aren't thinking me lame for not going stronger, you can rest assured that "fuck you" wasn't intended for you.)

Anyhow, it's just stupidly exciting that I can run now without getting tired. If not for hills, I feel like I could run almost any reasonable distance. There was a point during the run that I just couldn't believe I was still going strong. It was surreal, something that wouldn't have seemed feasible not even three months ago. It's not that impressive, but I'm proud of it.

Had another Redeye Theatre last saturday. I love 24 hour theatre, but oh how it makes me yearn for days when I had a real full length to put up. I mean, the experience of slowly becoming a recognized piece of a theatrical machine is always delightful, but it's not quite what Tost felt like. I'm so ready to move up to something bigger, something with more pressure and a chance to actually fail. Both this, being redeye, and Tost are/were gentle. Less than professional, relaxed. I want that feeling of nervous anticipation. That special kind of anxiety that comes with the chance of Not getting the E-mail telling you that you got the part. Patience, though. I have to muster some patience, no matter how hard it gets.

There will always be time, and when there isn't anymore, I won't be around for it to matter. Yay!

I love that I'm ending this on that note.

Fragile Art.

changes

Life update time. Honestly, writing this all out always seems to help me think a bit clearer, so... Actually, fuck that. I don't need an excuse to fling the stories of my life into the nether. You all are the ones needing the excuse, reading something as boring as my life.

Anyhow. Philly trip, new job, school dilemma.

I went out to Philadelphia after Boris got the idea into my head of surprising his girlfriend, and my good friend, MaryKay with a birthday visit. I love being spontaneous like that, but there is always a bit of me less than enthused with my spending habits. I need to be saving, putting myself on a budget, being an adult. These are things I should be doing. But what is life without these moments? I love those two way too much to let so much time pass without seeing them as I allowed in the past. There were moments that I wouldn't have traded for anything, and the weekend was worth every penny. Some hilarious karaoke, a birthday dinner and party that I'll remember forever, a game of soccer that my body is still trying to forget. These things are beautiful, and remind me what everything is about.

I have a new job. I admit, it's not a big change from what I already have, as I'll be working front desk for a hotel. But, there are such better prospects with this place, and if I may be desperately honest, the culture change is what I need the most. The people at my older job, I can't think of more petty people. I have one person there that I would call a friend. The rest are so unhappy with their lives, or dead to the world already, that it leeches away at you. I feel that energy sapping away from me every hour I spend toiling and wasting myself in their building. It's a sick, cancerous thing, and it tries so hard to kill you. To drain you dry. I came here hoping to help change things, and was slowly defeated. It's rough here. But, now it's just an easy way to make a couple extra dollars to weasel away. I can start saving for my life Post loan debt! What a wondrous life that will be.

Honestly, I'm not so worried about schooling. Erick kinda saved me from that with a bit if sage advice. I still need to make a few calls, but it no longer has that bleak feeling to it. When I look forward, I don't feel that foreboding sense, that curious "shit's going to hit the fan" tingle.

Annnd, I'm done. I'm tired. And I should be working.

FragileArt

naivete.

Well, it had to happen someday, huh? The whole point of this blog has been for me to occasionally just shout opinions, ideas, and feelings into the void; to vent away some of that in a healthier way then arguing with strangers. I couldn't care less what most think of me, so what's the harm?

The innocent bystanders! The humanity!

Heh, oh, don't mind me. I'm just stroking my ego, acting like these opinions have any effect on the world. But, seriously, I'm going to stop citing people when I'm taking about some sort of alternative style of thinking. I just loath to give people around my friends more reason to dislike me, and bother them about.

I just can't believe how naive I was about it. I never really thought anyone would bother to read it (y'all need to find some hobbies, or somethin'). But a friend summed it up well on twitter. "Google -> Twitter -> Blog." I knew it wouldn't be Hard to find. It's just... I'm actually pretty humbled by the fact that people are interested enough to follow. 'Course, then I'm all "But... But now people that I don't want in my life can keep up with it!" Which is closely followed by a giggle that those people are just proving that I must just be so terribly interesting that they need a bit of me in their life.

But there its a whole range of that sort of thinking for me, each time I open this app on my phone. Do I care to let people into my life in such a one sided way? -Shrugs.- Obviously I must, cause I keep posting.

Anyhow. Do I have anything worth getting worked up in a blog about today... Hmm... Not really, I suppose. Life had been pretty good to me lately. I'm running a good deal, getting trained by a close friend, which is just wonderful. I feel so much better, physically, even with the soreness. Getting into half decent shape just gives me even More confidence, and stealing time, real quality time, with my friend... Haha, I missed it. It's tremendous. I don't think she quite knows how much I appreciate the time, but, I do. It's hard to verbalize these things sometimes, even with all the effort I put towards trying to eschew some typical masculine social behavior. Today, I'll be running my first 5k race, and it's awesome that she decided to do just the 5k with me. Running buddies.

I've also just had an interesting couple weeks in terms of my romantic life, as well. I went to mytrle beach with an old friend, one of those "oh, we missed our opportunity to be with one another" situations. You all know what that is. And... In the week we spent together, it was like we condensed an entire relationship into those 7 days. The beginning was intense, and it sort of relaxed as the days passed. But it was nice. I can find no better way to explain it. It was nice. Both of us knew what we'd signed up for, and with that understanding came the ability to just enjoy it for what it was.

It gives me hope. I've grown so accustomed to people simply losing it when it comes to any emotional matter, that it's really refreshing to see something work out.

Ok, ok. I've gotten sappy. These are exactly the things that I wonder if I'm fine with sharing with some of my friendships (used loosely). Beh. But fuck it. A closer look into my personal life than most will ever get. Feel honored.

It's past time I brought an end to this post. Y'all have a good day.

Fragile Art

past tense

Past time.

It's something on my head tonight, (Mike being nostalgic? Who'd have seen That coming) and it felt like something worth a post. It's starting to feel like time is just... Escaping? Escaping me. That a good enough way to put it. Now that I'm not taking classes, I can just feel the moments road runner-ing past, and I feel like poor Wily, flat against a wall that had been painted to look like a tunnel entrance. I'm just trying to live, you know? It seems so strange to be the bad guy when that's all I'm striving for.

I miss midnight basketball with Boris, Bill, Ajit, and the revolving door of other characters. I miss fooling around in the honors college. I miss reading after school in the public library (among other things). I truely miss coming home and not wondering what my brother was going to do with his life, because there only seemed to be opportunities ahead.

This is not at all saying I'm not content with the way things are moving, don't take it that way. Life is pretty wonderful. I have made friends that mean the world to me, and reconnected with some older ones that used to. I have a relatively clear plan for the next year of my life. I've taken some steps to make Sure I start taking better care if my body, and have gotten plenty of free time to drink my masks away. I'm particularly happy with how I've come to terms with a few things. Admitted things to myself, and become healthier as a result.

Also, I didn't get attacked by rapters on the 22nd, which can only mean I'm doing things right. :] It honestly pains me that there were people that believed that might come to pass. That truely were so Certain that god was going to take the time to pluck them specifically, those true believers, away from the shitstorm he had planned for those darned dirty sinners. Cause it's always fun to be part of the elite. But how did it feel for them, directly after? I'd prefer to never know. How empty that had to feel. And, how could you feel after spending your families life savings? Beggaring yourself and maybe loved ones, only to wake up on the 23rd, still here? Embarassment, disillusionment, guilt, devastation, and feeling cheated all in one? I'll pass on that feeling, if I can.

Ugh. That makes me cringe in sympathy pain. I don't know if I can even mock them, after what they must be feeling now.

Also! My calves Burn and Ache, courtesy of one miss Lauren. I'm starting up some running training with her. See if I can't work off some of these excess pounds I picked up somewhere. But I'm super excited about this. I know that when I used to keep up with my decent workout schedule, I had so much more positive energy. I will welcome it's return, trust me. Also, I would prefer to never look like some of the people that come through my job.

Anyhow! Work!

Fragile Art

ho hum.

It's very early, and I should be asleep. Red eye is tomorrow, and here I am. Some nights, I suppose. Perhaps I'll get to play the villain tomorrow.

Fragile Art.

can't stop me now.

I've been meaning to write something for a couple days now, but I've yet to find that spark I need to write something acceptable enough to share. There are all sorts of topics to choose from that the world has been kind as to offer me... Royal wedding (if you cared about that, I honestly don't care much about you), Osama dying (I love watching people celebrate more death? Oh, wait, I don't. Whatever he's done, let's not become monsters over it. Accept it and move on, please), this wonderfully dreary weather... Plenty. But, nothing that has me worked up enough.

It's going to be nice to get out of PA. I think I've got just about all I can out of this place. If I stay any longer, I feel like I'll just go ahead, gain 40 pounds, take to wearing white tees, a pack of cigs in my front pocket, and ill-fitting jeans. If I'll do it, I'll do it hard. That's all this place offers any of us. (trust me, I see everyone in pa. It's the inevitable end this place has for it's victims.)

I get a bit of a mini-view of life away from here come june. A week away, south carolina, an old friend to catch up with and NOTHING TO DO. Nothing but laying in grass or sand, feeling the earth spin ever so softly under me. Pretending I'm 8 again, letting the days drag and stretch. Mm. Should be awesome. :]

Hm. And my mood has improved so much. Thank you, Blog. Y'all have a good night, friends and fakes alike. I love ya all.

Fragile Art

uh oh.

It's the big one. Turns out I'm going to need to ramp up my timetables here. There is a possibility of me moving out of PA as soon next year. Isn't that crazy? Have I finished everything here? What's left undone?

Well, first is college. I hate to cave, and those who know me, know I almost Fear being wrong, so... A big step. Life changing, right? In so many ways. Financially, this is going to put ripples to the pond (or puddles, but I won't go to war with you over words. Ah. Puddles. Cute how memory catches on silly things). But, if I'm going to do it, I need to Now. So, wednesday, bright and early I shall bug my old advisor, and chat up the registrar to see what Must be done to finish me out.

Man. Out of PA. Wild. Uncertain. Intriguing. No matter what I do, there will be words left unsaid, and deeds left undone. There are people I see now, and will miss as we lose touch. And there are those I've already lost touch with, and I'll miss them just as dearly, but the wider chasm will make it more acceptable. I'll shed this place, for better or worse.

And I won't even be there long... Damn. This will be a wild ride. I'm not ready, but I've Never been ready. Always too young, in mind, body. I've always felt like I get into my races ten seconds after the others have started, and it's so daunting to catch up. Daunting, normally, because I wasn't that great at most of the races. I've found the few that I shine best at, and can sprint to make up the distance, but here again... I feel like I just Finished a race and haven't been given proper recovery time. I Really wanted to handle these loans before I left, but, that doesn't seem to be an option. So, I hurtle myself off this cliff, and spread my arms, come what be.

A year is hard enough without Sam, but two? And no Erick for the second year? And who knows what would happen in that time. No. the cliff with them it is. I trust them and their intuition. This could turn out to be perfect, the best choice I've made (in, I'll admit, a line of sometimed suspect choices). Let's see!

Fragile Art.

ohhh, you

Figures.

Fragile Art

hey, jealousy.

Mm. So much has happened since last I updated this. (Well, not technically. I may have drunk updated at one point, but I destroyed the evidence of that.) So, we have Philly Adventures Staring Boris Petkov and his delightful girlfriend MaryKay (I honestly don't care if she does that capitalized K in her name, I'll do it for her if not). We have sorta cute bus rise home. We have realization that I've managed to come across a couple friendships that are more than words can give praise to. And... France. Weird?

YOU'RE WEIRD.

Ahem.

Anyhow. So, I took a three day vacation and sent myself to Philly (note to self: find another cheap time to do this soon). The first day is sometimes so sharp in my memory, and sometimes so hazy, and I blame that thoroughly upon the amount of alcohol my friends kept pushing towards me. The point of the trip was to get out there and spend some much overdue time with my friend, Boris. He's been there for me for a Long time, and it's honestly impossible to imagine my life had I somehow managed to miss him. But, that's a post for another day. I also wanted to get out there and get to know his new ladyfriend better, seeing as she has to get best friend acceptance if she wanted to continue dating him. From the moment I was off the bus, the plying began... "Hey, there's this really nice Irish-style pub we could get lunch at!" Had a beer there, some cognac in his room (good stuff), and then, off again to a wine bar to meet some of his work friends. They came late, after I'd had two glasses and was looking out the window waiting for my other friend Mark Wolfe to swing by and steal me for (Gasp! Who'd have guessed?!) drinks and dinner.

What I'm trying to say is, I was intoxicated at at least a low level the entire first day. Which is what I blame my drunken pouting that night on.

That night... What a surreal experience. I met back up with Boris, and we walked down to this posh hotel to visit this guy I'd met the last time I was out there named JJ. Nice guy, though I worry about his health sometimes. Anyhow, we get up to his place, change into trunks, and, with the addition of Gin (a friend of theirs, sweet girl) head off to the hotels hot tub to soak and pass around some fancy Belgian beers. Here I am, in this hotel, in this hot tub, with a future company owner, a rich "I helped found a company that eventually got bought out by google and now I work for them and they shit gold" charismatic bloke, and a cute foreign girl. Passing around bottles. How did I get there? When will that nice guy at the front door come walking up to ask me politely to leave, as he'd finally noticed that I didn't belong there. My drunk self, surrounded by opulence and excess suddenly became cripplingly aware of just how little he was worth (at least at the moment). Clammed up a bit, got alittle moody... What a shame. I typically handle those situations so much better than that, but I just didn't have it in me that night.

MaryKay. Her and Boris are cute. I'm trying to feel out how our triangle of a friendship will settle, though. I'd love something akin to what I have with Erick and Sam, but I have no idea on how to judge Boris. I don't want to make him feel awkward or jealous. I just felt like there was a great chance at having a very intimate relationship with MaryKay(without the intimates), just close as I am to him. I'd love to be able to show my affection with a kiss on the cheek or... Just showing attention to her. It''s hard to explain, but around boyfriends and girlfriends, you have to be constantly on guard. Some people get so jealous if you show too much interest, even if it's just friendly. But I didn't get that from them. We all cuddled to sleep that second night, and I couldn't have felt more at home or right. It's a great feeling that I get from the thought of maybe having two friendships like I have with Erick and Sam. It's warmth and love. Who doesn't want that? I just like being so close, without worrying about those physical details that sometimes get in the way. "Oh no! You're two humans! You couldn't possibly just have a simple love for one another without it getting hot and heavy!"

Honestly? It feels like family. I like that.

So, finally it came to trekking home, via megabus. I Barely make it there on time (thank you Boris, and your intuition), and end up the last person to get on. As I walk down the isle everyone gives me that old "we're too cool to share a seat" gradeschool vibe, and the only person kind enough to make room for me is this black girl in the back. After getting settled in I fall asleep against the window, and wake up to find her asleep, leaned over onto the seat between us with her head on my Sherlock Holmes bible. I had my coat in my lap, folded it, woke her up gently, and offered it. She accepted. No words exchanged at all. Just nice gestures. It was beautiful. I love moments like that, the ones that restore a tiny bit of faith in humanity. It's nothing big, of course, but little things like that just refresh.

And, I think I shall save my France thoughts for tomorrow. It's Waaay to late to still be up.

Fragile Art.

i write like vladimir nabokov

Or so this text analyzer says. Hrm. While I've actually read about him before, I feel like it MAY be a bit of a lolfail of a comparison.

Ah, yeah. I'm enjoying the most delightful of tequila highs right now. Or is it lows? Lows implies that it's bad. It's not. It's delightful.

Spending so much time at IUP has led me to certain avenues of thought. 1) That, GOD DAMN, do I miss all of those people. There are so many people there that I miss, that I loved seeing every day. For all the drama, if that's the price? I'd pay it, gladly. (Sadly, the price has dollar signs..) 2) Where I am now just isn't the same.

But this is what I'm hoping for with Seattle. I love the concept of the recreation. I'm enamored with the idea of tearing myself apart and building myself again with all the lessons I've learned. The various me's (Gradeschool Mikey, high school Mrod, college Mike) disassembled, and reassembled with a bit more finesse. All of the better features taken and incorporated into a new whole. I think I got very close to what I want out of myself in college, but there were some obvious flaws with that model. It WAS wholly functional, though, and much more likely to survive in the real world than it's predecessors. The problem? I jettisoned some of the important ideals of previous builds. Well.. If I'm honest, I never Meant to let them fall away. I reacted to scenarios that I didn't expect, and in fashions I'm not always quite proud of. But, it was a learning experience, and an important one. I'll take all that information, and use it to mold something better.

I can't wait to meet the final me. Michael. A creature, yes, but hopefully one that I can Fully respect.

Haha, what a dream. It sounds like such bullshit, but I'd love for it to work out Just this way. Seattle has become such an ideal, I'm almost afraid for the moment when I've finally settled in. Because, when that happens, what are the odds that it can live up to the idea I've built up in my head? Hm.

That's the adventure though. And it's fun to know that I have so much more adventure to look forward to.

Fragile Art

must be 3am.

Restless mind at 3am.

Yesterday was awesome. Truly, a day that can reaffirm everything. I can't believe I still have so many friends hiding out in ol' IUP. I got there early, and never really got a chance to slow down between making spur of the moment plans with friends I had intended to see, and spending hours catching up with people that I (like a jerk) hadn't even thought of. There was some guilt tripping, and some people that got missed, but all and all, I couldn't have asked for a warmer reception. I miss so much about that place. Locales, and locals, with the latter holding the distinct advantage.

Pangs. Felt at the oddest times. Though in hindsight, I should have seen them coming. But the "power-through option" returned, which was just amazing and oh so well timed.

It's still going to be busy for me in the near future... I've got Philly in a few days to make good on a promise, and almost all free time before that is booked. Oy. It only confounds everything more that I have so little money right now. I Should be spending them on loans, and I promise to do my best to see that come to pass, but I Can't go to philly without alittle cash, can I? Maybe I can convince Boris to pay for it all...

Fragile Art

heh.

"lol watching Goodmoring America today, they said the best match makers are the ones who look alike...its funny cause it kind of makes since. Its almost symbolic, like Eve coming from Adam's rib. DEEP ♥"

This was a post a friend of mine made on facebook. I'm not dick enough to say this Too her, but I Have to say it. I have to. "... Yes... Since. Makes perfect Since. Just like Eve coming from Adam's rib."

Fragile Art

education.

So, Chicago was alright. I got to spend some time with friends, make up for lost time, and learn some things about what was a possible destination for me after I finish with my loans. I think I can officially scratch it off though. Those chilling winds aren’t for me, to say nothing for the aggressive drivers and ridiculous streets. It wasn’t a Terrible place to visit, but had it not been for good friends, I don’t think I would have enjoyed myself anywhere as much as I had.

It reminded me again to be more appreciative of the friends I’m close to now, though. I’ve managed to surround myself with people that are just somewhat ridiculously in sync with me. My affectionate tendencies don’t seem out of place, we all have similar thoughts on race, gender, and sexual issues. It’s always like a blast of cold water to the face whenever I leave this protective cocoon. Hearing a casual racist remark (whether they meant it only in jest, or were simply ignorant to what they were actually saying) always throws me for a moment. It’s so hard for me Not to make a deal out of it that it just makes me so uncomfortable, you know? It’s hard to handle the situation when it’s friends. Other people, please, I’d love to educate. But friends, bleh. That’s something I don’t like to force in an awkward direction.

I love being asked by people I barely know to be in their work. I know it’s only school films and such, but it’s really flattering. A girl that did the camera work for my last film just face booked me out of the blue, wondering if I’d like to handle the lead for her. I should be getting the actual script soon, so I’ll see what that looks like but I can’t see myself turning it down, even if it’s silly. I may not really like film, but who knows what could come of any of this? Even if it’s nothing, whatever, I’m making friends and useful connections for the future. Plus, this one may go smoother than the last. Who knows? I may just enjoy myself this time.

Beh, this should be enough for now. Y’all have a good day.

Fragile Art

huh.

I don't know if I'm the only one, but I very much enjoy listening to the noises and words we use when listening to others tell a long story.

Fragile art.

late night chicago thoughts.

Just got done with a long, but thoroughly enjoyable day. I'm in chicago now... Half the trip here I spent sleeping off the effects of working overnight. Of course, before I did, my mates decided they ought to ply me with alcohol and delicious breakfast foods(bacon, eggs, and pancakes that might as well have been crepes). Good start. Slept halfway, and did my best to be entertaining the rest of the trip.

Just saw Sucker Punch. While I don't recommend it very highly, I think it had it's moments. The role of Blue? Yeah, I'd have had so much fun portraying that character. I'm jealous. I also had to have seemed the loon, getting so excited as he stayed so evil. A good showing by an actor can do wonders to me. Desperately, I need to get out of PA and into the stage. I don't know how much more I can bear.

More on chicago tomorrow. I don't really like it.

inevitable.

You'll see me on stage. Just wait.

focus.

I really need to start checking myself. I've set myself on a course for the next couple of weeks that could turn out to be somewhat expensive. Trip to chicago for the next three days, trip to philly in two weeks for three days... With my phone, car, and student loan bills all hitting at the same time. And some weak paychecks due to me retiring days off. I need to tread lightly here. It's a scary place when money gets thin.

On the other hand, I've always been good at handling dire situations. I can focus and find a seriousness my normal, everyday self lacks. When confronted with these scenarios, I tend to handle myself do much better... Sometimes, it makes me wonder what it'd be like if I could find this mode in normal life. And why I never seem to.

Bah. I'll survive, even if I must lie, cheat, and steal. It's what I do.

So, chicago tonight (technically). This should be interesting. I have a friend who is a stage manager out there, and has a show going up. If I'm completely honest, I would day that I don't even know what show she's putting on, but... What kind of friend would I be if I admitted to that? :] I'll enjoy myself, though. Hopefully make some friends, seeing as Chicago remains an option for me later in life. But, that's something for another day.

I've been hearing the phrase "unalienable rights" in reference to people lately, and I can't tell you strongly enough how much that annoys me. When did humans hit the point that our egos grew so big as to cause us to forget that, in the end, we are still nothing more than animals? We have the same rights as all animals (i.e. To die, to be eaten by something stronger/bigger/faster/smarter than ourselves...). There is no Human Right to freedom, to health, to happiness. There is no right to equality. What we have are the contracts (spoken, unspoken) between each other that basically say "if you don't do these terrible things to me, I won't to you." But that doesn't make a right.

Not that I'm interested in anarchy or chaos. I just don't like that we've forgotten our place so easily. Our ideals are wonderful things to strive for, but let us leave our heads the correct size.

I'm also interested in this idea of what humans will be someday that so many people enjoy, even if it's just subconscious for the most part for a great number of us. The idea that we will someday evolve into these peaceful, beautiful creatures. Transcending these petty feelings of selfishness and the impulses to do "evil." Somehow, that thought just makes me laugh.

We're animals. We're temporary. We always will be. And that isn't such a bad thing.

refreshed.

You know, I really don't think there is anything like a long bath. They say water has curative powers, and I don't feel like I can argue. No matter how far gone or lost I am mentally, some time just soaking can let it all ebb away. I thought about writing again while I was in there, but... I didn't really want to spoil it. It's been a long week. And not necessarily in any bad way. There were low moments, but at times everything spiraled to such heights.

I do like the random opportunities that come my way, though. I currently have a friend with a father that is a stage manager for some stuff in Pittsburgh, and I guess I'll see what can grow from that. Pittsburgh may be a desert for the theatre, but, who knows. Maybe I'll find something. Or not. It can't hurt though. Worst comes to worst, I've wasted some of my extremely low value time. I don't have a ton of it, but 'eh. I can spare some.

Ah man. It's been a recurring theme, this whole losing friends thing. But, I gotta say it's always foremost on my mind. I hate it. And I hate that I keep getting so bothered by it. I just need to let the past go, I suppose. I'm obviously not the best at that. I hate the idea of something left unfinished like this. I also hate the idea of giving up on things. And... powerlessness. Yeah. I feel helpless. On this, there is nothing I can do. I can't force a person to Want to spend time with me if they don't care to. I can pretend to be someone else, and fake it into existence maybe, but what the hell would that be? That'd be monstrous.

It's just time to let it all go, though. I have a lot to look forward to. That I like. I just have to put all that baggage behind me. Hard, but not impossible. I'll make it work, though. Things have a way of falling into place.

Fragile Art

forgive my indecision, i am only a man

I love dreams. Especially vivid ones about old friends. It's part nostalgia, part guilt for allowing them to become "old friends" and no longer "current friends." But that's life, I suppose.

I'm currently enjoying some unexpected bonuses from my filming experience. I have a whole new group of friends in a different area of pittsburgh, and it seems to click so much better than with some of my other groups. Surrounded by actors, film students, and other eccentrics, I feel so little judgement. Yes, the group can be ridiculous, and slightly hedonistic at times, but it's so much more honest. Or maybe I'm just being more honest.

I used to be fully capable of just putting on a mask and playing a part in social gatherings, but I honestly just don't have the energy anymore. I don't know if it's just a factor of getting older (I inch towards 25, how scary is that?) or if I just don't care for the bs of it all anymore. There are too many people that I can spend time with that genuinely would enjoy it. Why should I bother even wasting the energy? It's sad, but I think I may be able to get over it.

I also can't wait to explain to my bosses that I'm gonna be seasonal again sometime soon while finishing my degree, after they've finally started me on the track towards the promotion I've been promised for 6 months. Amusing. But honestly, I'd just like to finish it off. I hate having it hang over my head like it has, a skeleton in my closet. Plus, Erick Randolph is a jerk and a good friend. As much as i would have preferred him just agreeing with me... It's appreciated that he'd really let me know what he thinks. That's a real friend. I've got enough people that allow me to be stubborn.

Anyhow! Enough for work!

Fragile Art

ugh.

Note to self. Very hot bath, not what the doctor ordered when it comes to feeling sick. I feel like I should have been able to guess that one. Ah well. I feel like my life would be less interesting if I Thought about things first. It's a live and live and live and learn sort of situation with me.

Honestly, I'm going into this one without any forethought. I have no plan for this post. I just sort of want to explain to the internet how tired I am.

So, right now, I'm awaiting word on the random resume throwing I did the other day. A customer seemed very interested in hiring me for a nice position, but I have to assume that, by this point, he must have found someone else. I followed up with an e-mail, though, so we'll see. If it doesn't work out, I'm going to, finally, check out the iup thing. It might be time to admit I was wrong to just walk away, and just get the stupid degree. But I hate admitting I'm wrong. Even moreso, I hate having to throw myself on someones mercy, which I'll have to do after being such a dick to Pavloskis kindness. He gave me a second shot, and I legitimately wasted it. I never even meant to really try. I'm such an ass.

Eh. When I play a role, though, I play it all the way.

But, I need to see what the financials look like, and how many classes we're looking at here. I'm like a skittish animal... I can be so easily spooked away from this.

Fragile Art

hehe, booty.

So, there is a new version of the bible out. A new translation catholics have been working on for years aparently, with different words. Like, burnt offerings as opposed to holocaust, and a different translation for booty. They're modernizing the language.

Makes me giggle because a) they said booty, b) it's always fun to rewrite what people consider the word of god to better fit what you need now. Hee hee. It's just amusing to me. God wants to appeal to a younger, hipper audience. Good growth plan, God.

[I love being a dick]

Fragile Art

what i deserve.

I type this, my phone precariously suspended above water by only a few scant inches. A long, long bath is just what I deserve. It's been a long week... But, I suppose I've already sort of made that clear, huh? And it's not done yet. Maybe some day, but definitely not until this sunday.

Wow. Sad. I'm not even sure I'll be done with this crazy schedule by then.

But, anyhow, yes. I'm back. And I apologize for the lack of eccentric wording and topics lately. I've been tired, and for some reason have been forcing myself to write. But if I'm going to have this stupid thing, I'm damn well going to use it.

But I digress. Again. My point for this one was to bring up how tired I am of being judged. There was an incident earlier today where I actually bit my tongue, (I know, I know. Me? Bite my tongue? My thumb perhaps, but never the tongue!) and I can't stress how hard that was. If you don't actually know me, please do not assume you can label me. Though, I give him some respect for doing it to my face, instead of smiling whilst I'm around and speaking in whispers when I'm not.

Of course, I suppose it's easier to make a monster of someone than deal with a truth you don't care to admit. But either way, I'm sorry if that girl you're with and me fooled around once, but, without any arrogance... Had I wanted her, I could have had her. So stop being afraid of me. Because I just don't care. You don't have to keep trying to prove yourself, and I run very quickly out of willpower to keep civil. It stops being amusing after a year or so.

I'm a flirt. I lose faith more and more in typical social mores and ideals everyday. Sex as pertaining to it's elevated status as a purely romantic act is laughable to me. Can you honestly tell me that, after truly taking a few moments to think about it and our culture today, you still think that it should be so taboo? So "heehee! Sex is only for love. Otherwise, ewww! That's evil!"

Grow up, and catch up.

Yes. Sex can mean so much as a romantic action. With care and passion, (I'm amused my phone keeps trying to, through the swype feature, insert tpoison when I attempt passion... Keep your insights to yourself, mytouch) intercourse can be wonderful.

But, I'm of the idea that sex is simply too base. It's pleasure now. I take pleasure in many things. Video games, reading, pushing orphanages off cliffs (but only british orphanages). Sex is Fun. Between two consenting people, it's just fun.

But... I can't see it as a basically romantic gesture. I find romance in everyday actions. Getting up together, making breakfast. Finding a quiet moment to send them a text, or leaving a voicemail. Stealing a kiss, or a silent moment, holding hands. Fuck, you can have beautiful, loving moments at the DMV that mean so much more than sex ever could. Valuing it so highly is archaic.

But, this could, I suppose, just be me. I'm not a jealous creature. The few times I've felt so, it's felt so foreign and wrong. You are forever free to go where you desire.


Though it'd be nice if that always led you back to me.

FragileArt

updates.

Alright, it's been a crazy couple of days.

Let's start with friday. I work 8 hours, from 2pm until 10. I then drive quickly out to Oakland to attend my friends sisters 21st birthday party. Much alcohol is imbibed, and much fun is had. Some of it, I suppose, less than clean and family friendly, but luckily my character is not under question here. It was just a great time. The only problem was, it ended around 4amish for me, and I had filming starting at 6am. Yeah. That's legit, right there. So, spent two hours trying my best to get some lines saved in my head, meanwhile lamenting what a stupid idea it was to have allowed myself to be awake so long.

So, we proceed to film until 11, and I get about an hour nap at home, which I had driven back to so I could collect my boots. Of course, I manage to forget them after the nap that did nothing but make everything worse. Luckily for me, my director Fred was a hero, and let me crash on his couch from 1pm until 5. Then, my producer D.J. fed me. Man, it's nice being the lead of a film. Totally re-energized, we got everything together... Only to find out that we wouldn't be able to continue filming that day due to some of Freds friends not doing their part. I get out of all that around 7:30... Only to have an overnight shift to pull off. And then, drive out to Indiana county at 6am. What a life.

But, I did get to wake up to the beautiful Samantha, eat with a good old friend, and then catch the Vagina monologues with Mama Forbes. Haha, such a sweet, gorgeous lady. It was such a good showing, too. I usually expect a 50/50 sort of experience with these sorts of shows, half good, half bad. But, I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. Most in the show did a very good job, with the best in my opinion held by Sarah Blantz, Chelsea Forbes, and Tiffany Hallcambell, with Sam being right up there as well. Honestly, I was blown away by each. Sarah, though she started to lose a bit of her accent at one point, made me feel for her character so much more than I ever had. I've seen this show numerous times, and have see some good actresses try their hands at The Flood, and I typically have enjoyed watching it done, but this was something else. Very impressed. Tiffany hit Reclaiming Cunt with such energy and force of personality, it was perfect. My only complaint comes with her moving too fast. I feel that if she had taken a bit more time with it that she could have coaxed more out of the audience by the time it came to chant. I've never seen Under the Burka before, but Chelsea surprised me. It could have easily felt too long, but she paced it well, and kept me interested. Sticking to the chair, keeping a very demure sort of posture was perfect. And Sam, I wish she had taken more time to make it her own, but she had a good feel for the role. And she didn't even attempt a British accent, which I am very happy about. I can't stand a badly done accent, and though I don't know if hers would have been, I just know it's hard to pull off. It was a wonderful show, ladies.

And then, after that finished, I had to drive for two hours out to my friend Victors for his housewarming party. It was so nice to catch up with a couple of old friends. In that group, I was a late, fringe addition at the end of highschool, so I never really was cemented into it. Which is sad, because I very much enjoy all of them, and the whole once every other year thing gets so old, so fast.

Isn't that life though? People fall to the wayside as you keep powering forward. No one has enough time for everyone. It's just how it works. Sad. Got a couple fun pictures from that party, though, and I can't wait for summer now. I'll enjoy making use of his pool.

Anyhow! That's enough for now. Time to rest. Finally.

FragileArt

late night, no sleep to be found

I just want to be able to get up and work out before work. That's all I ask, body. Just fall asleep so I can.

My filming went... Interestingly. So, first day of filming, and the sound/camera guy breaks his hand (or at least tore a ligament? Whatever) and an actor shows up just drunk off his ass. The dude even had the nerve to try to critique My acting, during the 50th time we'd had to re-shoot a scene because he couldn't get his shit together. "... subtlety, subtlety..." like he has some place to speak from. I honestly feel like I could have killed him. Just, strangled the little fuck. But, it wasn't worth it. We needed him to finish, and I can't quite take my shot from a jailcell, can I? But, man. It'd been a long time since I'd felt such a strong urge to cause someone harm.

I gotta say though, I love how reminiscent of Tost (my old acting group) this filming session was. People unable to show, people being less than professional, and a handful of people trying their damnedest to put it all together and make it work. Most of these kids were pretty awesome, too, though one in particular was making my hair raise. Something about a dude that thinks he's smarter than the rest... Mm, just makes me want to gently lower him a peg or two. But I think I've found ways to bug him covertly. (... Subtlety, subtlety...)

In Other News! I've really sorta kinda not enjoyed examining the evolution of some of my friendships. Recently had to part ways with an old friend, and that just broke my heart. But worse, it's got me re-evaluating others. It's sad to find out that when you allow other people to set the level of friendship you both have, they might decide that the "Acquaintance Occasionally Run Into at Social Gatherings" option fit them best. I feel I should still be grateful. I have a a pair of awesome best friends, old and new, and my play lover. And, an interesting romantic interest. Not everyone has that much, with the amount of casual and great friends on the side that I do.

Now that I think of it, I'm pretty lucky. I actually feel like there are a lot of people in that "Casual-to-Great" category that would go to some extreme lengths if I needed it. It's just occasionally hard to see that, I suppose, from the perspective of a guy that would have any of his friends backs. If I actually label you friend, you can trust that no matter the situation, I'll be there. You get yourself on the bad side of 30 huge muscleheads, and I'll be on one of their backs gouging eyes before they can get a second punch in. And I'll join you shortly thereafter in getting our asses kicked. But, I'll have tried. I can't see myself not, you know? Weasely as I am, just not in me.

Aww, look at me with such high expectations of my character and assuming things of others. I must be very in tune with myself and the world. Maybe I'm just a lamer.

FragileArt

mm. good day.

'm delightfully sore today, but you know what? Totally worth it. Got to spend an evening (spaghetti diner, several new wines to try, and fun music. Win.) with two old friends, and one I'm getting to know better. A lot of fun conversation.

One if the things I was reminded of while taking with them was that I actually am quite moderate politically. It's just that with typical conservatives being... Well, completely batshit crazy most of the time, it gets lost that I don't always fully agree with the left either. Typically, I know, I can be found championing the rights of people to choose, you can also find me turning my nose up at laws that l, for one, think are ridiculous. Like the law in PA that requires you to wear a seatbelt. That's just Silly. You let us smoke cigarettes, but we can't drive without protection for only ourselves. Silly, hypocritical. At least pretend that you're not protecting lobbyist interests.

I'm also not opposed to guns. Obviously there needs to be regulation and no one needs an assault rifle, but to not allow the purchase? Eh. Whatever.

Oh well. At work. Should work.

FragileArt

creative surge.

Creative. That’s new.

I mean, I’m creative in a sense. I like to embody things. I’m not so good at creating though. But I’ve had this idea in my head for a play, and I can’t quite get it to vacate, you know? I had one really good day, dialogue hitting me for hours, and I sat down putting it to word file. After that though, it’s been months of nothing. I have the general idea of the entire thing, I know how I want it to end, I know how the characters are, but it’s the writing that alludes me.

But, I guess not? I’ve just busted three pages out (Woah! I know! Three pages! So much!) and what I’ve found is… Yeah. I’d obviously be more interested in acting, or coaching the actors in it. I keep trying to describe more than I need to of the characters actions and thoughts. I don’t stop myself, this is just a rough first through, and I like having all that before me. But sifting through it later to make the actual script? That’s going to be tough to me. I think I’ll just be too protective of it. How can I trust a director and actors I’m not working with to ever do my thoughts justice?

Not that this’ll be anything spectacular, I’m sure, but it’ll mean something to me. I probably ought to just stick of acting and directing. But, I like this idea, even if I don’t intend to do anything with it. I’ll probably just type it up afterwards, and keep it for myself. Not even quite sure I’ll put it out there for friends to read. Hm. We’ll see.

FragileArt

so, a wild schedule appears.

Mm, yeah. It's been a decent couple of days. Time with friends, and well, some people I do my best to pretend are friends, is always time well spent.

I guess the real noteworthy news is that I'll be starting filming soon. I don't want to talk this up like it's anything big, but it is exciting. To me, at least. It's not earthshaking, but it's my first opportunity to show myself off on a larger stage than college could support. I'll be getting my first look at the script soon, so... My worry is that this part won't let me show off my normal role. I'm typically type cast. This cop, from what I've read and seen just doesn't fit the mild. I'm more ecentric and weasely than forceful and aggressive. But isn't that exactly what I should want? I should be stretching my acting range, not trying to hide behind what I know I can do.

This just isn't that serious. It's the perfect stage for this sort of artistic exploration. Though, for them, (filmer and assistant) it poses greater risk. Getting the most out of me should be their foremost interest, but maybe they saw something I didn't. I guess a bit of my fear in this is that they didn't actually think I was better at this role than the supporting one that was the more typical for me, but instead that I was simply the best actor that showed. I get the main role not out of merit, but out of lack of someone better to fill the need when I could have been a more perfect fit elsewhere.

Hm. Either way though, should I even be bothered? Bah! I'll just take it as a challenge. Screw worry. I'll Make the film, and then move on to my next opportunity.

Basically, if I have to peddle cigarettes much longer, I will go insane. Ugh. Disgusting.

Fragile Art

oy vey: abortion again?

So, we're on this again, huh? Sad. I just don't have the energy and that is what's the worst part. Apparently, the GOP is opening up the abortion debate again. And don't get me wrong, I've always loved that. I live for the thrill of telling an idiot that what he's believed in for so long, and been taught so strictly, is wrong. Telling then that it's ridiculous and appalling that they think for some reason they deserve to tell someone else what to do with their body. How I just don't see where they come from. You think that your belief system should supersede someone elses, but that none is ever allowed to do such to yours or you'll have a hissy fit?

I just don't have the energy any more. I grow weary of the weak debates, spoken with such conviction. They may have never thoroughly thought through the issue, but damn are they convinced what they've been taught is right. It WAS amusing once, but it's just a bit depressing now.

I am pro-choice in almost all things. This is no different. A person should always have final say over what goes on with their body. If that means having a mass of cells removed, so be it. Your personal opinion does not matter. If you have an issue with what is done, simply don't do it yourself. But respect the rights of others. That seems so simple, doesn't it? And yet...

anxious.

Yep. Had a short film audition today. It was interesting. Different, at least, seeing as almost all my experience comes from theater and stage work. I forget that it isn't so important to project, to let my near instinctual gesturing calm to normal levels... But with all that, I still think I made a good showing of myself.

I got there early, helped them get set up, was very personable (to distraction, actually. We got off track way too often), and, well, they won't be forgetting me too easily. Those are the pluses. And one role, a supporting one, is right up my alley. He's the smiling "I'm taunting you" smug kind, and I play those so well.

And, yet, I feel uneasy about it. I don't know this terrain well. It's my first, post-college, real-career choice audition. It's no longer a hobby. This is, someday, going to be my job. So... Getting cast is important, and I can no longer just expect it like I used to. TostAndTurned parts became an expectation. I always knew I'd have a big role, if not a lead. For all their drama that went down, it never was an uncertainty, even as I waited up until midnight for the results.

So, it's a new era. I'm a business man. I'm working. I'm investing my talent towards something. Gotta believe I'm going to make it just as easy as it used to be.

fuck i hate labeouf

I hate Shia LaBeouf more than can be healthy. I don't think it's really acceptable, how much I'd love to watch him unarmed in a real life deathmatch situation with someone twice his size, who also Just happens to have a spoon and Must kill him with it. With it, and nothing else. Even seeing that, I'd Still feel no sympathy for him. Boy, you think you grew up in a hard neighborhood? You were on Even Stevens. Go fuck yourself.

I can't tell you how jealous I am of every actor. (Excuse me, I have an entire bottle of Zen of Zin wine in me. Delicious. Cheap. I like that combo.) But, its people like Shia that piss me off. If you're going to be doing what I wish I was, and at a younger age than me, then god Damn you'd best be good at it. And yet, he continues to act in a way that let's me know that "This is Shia as n" (N being whoever it is he's supposed to be at this point). Never has he made me feel it was credible. Never have I gotten lost in the acting, lost in the dialogue, certain that I'm catching a real glimpse of someones life. Of a real scene that normally, I wouldn't be privy to. No, I've always gotten "Ah man. Shia's shittly rattling off words again. At least they're in the right order!"

I just want to move on. I'm thinking of getting a second job. If I don't, I can enjoy 10 years of paying back loans. Don't ask me how that's acceptable to anyone. This system we have going? Fucking stupid. "Oh No! We're having economic troubles! It totally can't be from the fact that there are no new units of economic change!" Yes. Let's make sure anyone getting out of college *Read: Everyone worth mentioning* can't possibly afford to do anything real. Because, damn. We have a good thing going... Oh, wait. The dollars on fire, and we're still pretty much the laughingstock of the world community.

Hm. So. Second job. Money funneled directly into my debt, along with more of my main jobs money. I could pull this off. I just have to figure out where I can work to best handle these stupid shifts I have. OR, I could conceivably get a different Main job, and make my current main the secondary. Hmm... Wouldn't that be nice?