education.

So, Chicago was alright. I got to spend some time with friends, make up for lost time, and learn some things about what was a possible destination for me after I finish with my loans. I think I can officially scratch it off though. Those chilling winds aren’t for me, to say nothing for the aggressive drivers and ridiculous streets. It wasn’t a Terrible place to visit, but had it not been for good friends, I don’t think I would have enjoyed myself anywhere as much as I had.

It reminded me again to be more appreciative of the friends I’m close to now, though. I’ve managed to surround myself with people that are just somewhat ridiculously in sync with me. My affectionate tendencies don’t seem out of place, we all have similar thoughts on race, gender, and sexual issues. It’s always like a blast of cold water to the face whenever I leave this protective cocoon. Hearing a casual racist remark (whether they meant it only in jest, or were simply ignorant to what they were actually saying) always throws me for a moment. It’s so hard for me Not to make a deal out of it that it just makes me so uncomfortable, you know? It’s hard to handle the situation when it’s friends. Other people, please, I’d love to educate. But friends, bleh. That’s something I don’t like to force in an awkward direction.

I love being asked by people I barely know to be in their work. I know it’s only school films and such, but it’s really flattering. A girl that did the camera work for my last film just face booked me out of the blue, wondering if I’d like to handle the lead for her. I should be getting the actual script soon, so I’ll see what that looks like but I can’t see myself turning it down, even if it’s silly. I may not really like film, but who knows what could come of any of this? Even if it’s nothing, whatever, I’m making friends and useful connections for the future. Plus, this one may go smoother than the last. Who knows? I may just enjoy myself this time.

Beh, this should be enough for now. Y’all have a good day.

Fragile Art

huh.

I don't know if I'm the only one, but I very much enjoy listening to the noises and words we use when listening to others tell a long story.

Fragile art.

late night chicago thoughts.

Just got done with a long, but thoroughly enjoyable day. I'm in chicago now... Half the trip here I spent sleeping off the effects of working overnight. Of course, before I did, my mates decided they ought to ply me with alcohol and delicious breakfast foods(bacon, eggs, and pancakes that might as well have been crepes). Good start. Slept halfway, and did my best to be entertaining the rest of the trip.

Just saw Sucker Punch. While I don't recommend it very highly, I think it had it's moments. The role of Blue? Yeah, I'd have had so much fun portraying that character. I'm jealous. I also had to have seemed the loon, getting so excited as he stayed so evil. A good showing by an actor can do wonders to me. Desperately, I need to get out of PA and into the stage. I don't know how much more I can bear.

More on chicago tomorrow. I don't really like it.

inevitable.

You'll see me on stage. Just wait.

focus.

I really need to start checking myself. I've set myself on a course for the next couple of weeks that could turn out to be somewhat expensive. Trip to chicago for the next three days, trip to philly in two weeks for three days... With my phone, car, and student loan bills all hitting at the same time. And some weak paychecks due to me retiring days off. I need to tread lightly here. It's a scary place when money gets thin.

On the other hand, I've always been good at handling dire situations. I can focus and find a seriousness my normal, everyday self lacks. When confronted with these scenarios, I tend to handle myself do much better... Sometimes, it makes me wonder what it'd be like if I could find this mode in normal life. And why I never seem to.

Bah. I'll survive, even if I must lie, cheat, and steal. It's what I do.

So, chicago tonight (technically). This should be interesting. I have a friend who is a stage manager out there, and has a show going up. If I'm completely honest, I would day that I don't even know what show she's putting on, but... What kind of friend would I be if I admitted to that? :] I'll enjoy myself, though. Hopefully make some friends, seeing as Chicago remains an option for me later in life. But, that's something for another day.

I've been hearing the phrase "unalienable rights" in reference to people lately, and I can't tell you strongly enough how much that annoys me. When did humans hit the point that our egos grew so big as to cause us to forget that, in the end, we are still nothing more than animals? We have the same rights as all animals (i.e. To die, to be eaten by something stronger/bigger/faster/smarter than ourselves...). There is no Human Right to freedom, to health, to happiness. There is no right to equality. What we have are the contracts (spoken, unspoken) between each other that basically say "if you don't do these terrible things to me, I won't to you." But that doesn't make a right.

Not that I'm interested in anarchy or chaos. I just don't like that we've forgotten our place so easily. Our ideals are wonderful things to strive for, but let us leave our heads the correct size.

I'm also interested in this idea of what humans will be someday that so many people enjoy, even if it's just subconscious for the most part for a great number of us. The idea that we will someday evolve into these peaceful, beautiful creatures. Transcending these petty feelings of selfishness and the impulses to do "evil." Somehow, that thought just makes me laugh.

We're animals. We're temporary. We always will be. And that isn't such a bad thing.

refreshed.

You know, I really don't think there is anything like a long bath. They say water has curative powers, and I don't feel like I can argue. No matter how far gone or lost I am mentally, some time just soaking can let it all ebb away. I thought about writing again while I was in there, but... I didn't really want to spoil it. It's been a long week. And not necessarily in any bad way. There were low moments, but at times everything spiraled to such heights.

I do like the random opportunities that come my way, though. I currently have a friend with a father that is a stage manager for some stuff in Pittsburgh, and I guess I'll see what can grow from that. Pittsburgh may be a desert for the theatre, but, who knows. Maybe I'll find something. Or not. It can't hurt though. Worst comes to worst, I've wasted some of my extremely low value time. I don't have a ton of it, but 'eh. I can spare some.

Ah man. It's been a recurring theme, this whole losing friends thing. But, I gotta say it's always foremost on my mind. I hate it. And I hate that I keep getting so bothered by it. I just need to let the past go, I suppose. I'm obviously not the best at that. I hate the idea of something left unfinished like this. I also hate the idea of giving up on things. And... powerlessness. Yeah. I feel helpless. On this, there is nothing I can do. I can't force a person to Want to spend time with me if they don't care to. I can pretend to be someone else, and fake it into existence maybe, but what the hell would that be? That'd be monstrous.

It's just time to let it all go, though. I have a lot to look forward to. That I like. I just have to put all that baggage behind me. Hard, but not impossible. I'll make it work, though. Things have a way of falling into place.

Fragile Art

forgive my indecision, i am only a man

I love dreams. Especially vivid ones about old friends. It's part nostalgia, part guilt for allowing them to become "old friends" and no longer "current friends." But that's life, I suppose.

I'm currently enjoying some unexpected bonuses from my filming experience. I have a whole new group of friends in a different area of pittsburgh, and it seems to click so much better than with some of my other groups. Surrounded by actors, film students, and other eccentrics, I feel so little judgement. Yes, the group can be ridiculous, and slightly hedonistic at times, but it's so much more honest. Or maybe I'm just being more honest.

I used to be fully capable of just putting on a mask and playing a part in social gatherings, but I honestly just don't have the energy anymore. I don't know if it's just a factor of getting older (I inch towards 25, how scary is that?) or if I just don't care for the bs of it all anymore. There are too many people that I can spend time with that genuinely would enjoy it. Why should I bother even wasting the energy? It's sad, but I think I may be able to get over it.

I also can't wait to explain to my bosses that I'm gonna be seasonal again sometime soon while finishing my degree, after they've finally started me on the track towards the promotion I've been promised for 6 months. Amusing. But honestly, I'd just like to finish it off. I hate having it hang over my head like it has, a skeleton in my closet. Plus, Erick Randolph is a jerk and a good friend. As much as i would have preferred him just agreeing with me... It's appreciated that he'd really let me know what he thinks. That's a real friend. I've got enough people that allow me to be stubborn.

Anyhow! Enough for work!

Fragile Art

ugh.

Note to self. Very hot bath, not what the doctor ordered when it comes to feeling sick. I feel like I should have been able to guess that one. Ah well. I feel like my life would be less interesting if I Thought about things first. It's a live and live and live and learn sort of situation with me.

Honestly, I'm going into this one without any forethought. I have no plan for this post. I just sort of want to explain to the internet how tired I am.

So, right now, I'm awaiting word on the random resume throwing I did the other day. A customer seemed very interested in hiring me for a nice position, but I have to assume that, by this point, he must have found someone else. I followed up with an e-mail, though, so we'll see. If it doesn't work out, I'm going to, finally, check out the iup thing. It might be time to admit I was wrong to just walk away, and just get the stupid degree. But I hate admitting I'm wrong. Even moreso, I hate having to throw myself on someones mercy, which I'll have to do after being such a dick to Pavloskis kindness. He gave me a second shot, and I legitimately wasted it. I never even meant to really try. I'm such an ass.

Eh. When I play a role, though, I play it all the way.

But, I need to see what the financials look like, and how many classes we're looking at here. I'm like a skittish animal... I can be so easily spooked away from this.

Fragile Art

hehe, booty.

So, there is a new version of the bible out. A new translation catholics have been working on for years aparently, with different words. Like, burnt offerings as opposed to holocaust, and a different translation for booty. They're modernizing the language.

Makes me giggle because a) they said booty, b) it's always fun to rewrite what people consider the word of god to better fit what you need now. Hee hee. It's just amusing to me. God wants to appeal to a younger, hipper audience. Good growth plan, God.

[I love being a dick]

Fragile Art

what i deserve.

I type this, my phone precariously suspended above water by only a few scant inches. A long, long bath is just what I deserve. It's been a long week... But, I suppose I've already sort of made that clear, huh? And it's not done yet. Maybe some day, but definitely not until this sunday.

Wow. Sad. I'm not even sure I'll be done with this crazy schedule by then.

But, anyhow, yes. I'm back. And I apologize for the lack of eccentric wording and topics lately. I've been tired, and for some reason have been forcing myself to write. But if I'm going to have this stupid thing, I'm damn well going to use it.

But I digress. Again. My point for this one was to bring up how tired I am of being judged. There was an incident earlier today where I actually bit my tongue, (I know, I know. Me? Bite my tongue? My thumb perhaps, but never the tongue!) and I can't stress how hard that was. If you don't actually know me, please do not assume you can label me. Though, I give him some respect for doing it to my face, instead of smiling whilst I'm around and speaking in whispers when I'm not.

Of course, I suppose it's easier to make a monster of someone than deal with a truth you don't care to admit. But either way, I'm sorry if that girl you're with and me fooled around once, but, without any arrogance... Had I wanted her, I could have had her. So stop being afraid of me. Because I just don't care. You don't have to keep trying to prove yourself, and I run very quickly out of willpower to keep civil. It stops being amusing after a year or so.

I'm a flirt. I lose faith more and more in typical social mores and ideals everyday. Sex as pertaining to it's elevated status as a purely romantic act is laughable to me. Can you honestly tell me that, after truly taking a few moments to think about it and our culture today, you still think that it should be so taboo? So "heehee! Sex is only for love. Otherwise, ewww! That's evil!"

Grow up, and catch up.

Yes. Sex can mean so much as a romantic action. With care and passion, (I'm amused my phone keeps trying to, through the swype feature, insert tpoison when I attempt passion... Keep your insights to yourself, mytouch) intercourse can be wonderful.

But, I'm of the idea that sex is simply too base. It's pleasure now. I take pleasure in many things. Video games, reading, pushing orphanages off cliffs (but only british orphanages). Sex is Fun. Between two consenting people, it's just fun.

But... I can't see it as a basically romantic gesture. I find romance in everyday actions. Getting up together, making breakfast. Finding a quiet moment to send them a text, or leaving a voicemail. Stealing a kiss, or a silent moment, holding hands. Fuck, you can have beautiful, loving moments at the DMV that mean so much more than sex ever could. Valuing it so highly is archaic.

But, this could, I suppose, just be me. I'm not a jealous creature. The few times I've felt so, it's felt so foreign and wrong. You are forever free to go where you desire.


Though it'd be nice if that always led you back to me.

FragileArt