Monday, April 25, 2011

uh oh.

It's the big one. Turns out I'm going to need to ramp up my timetables here. There is a possibility of me moving out of PA as soon next year. Isn't that crazy? Have I finished everything here? What's left undone?

Well, first is college. I hate to cave, and those who know me, know I almost Fear being wrong, so... A big step. Life changing, right? In so many ways. Financially, this is going to put ripples to the pond (or puddles, but I won't go to war with you over words. Ah. Puddles. Cute how memory catches on silly things). But, if I'm going to do it, I need to Now. So, wednesday, bright and early I shall bug my old advisor, and chat up the registrar to see what Must be done to finish me out.

Man. Out of PA. Wild. Uncertain. Intriguing. No matter what I do, there will be words left unsaid, and deeds left undone. There are people I see now, and will miss as we lose touch. And there are those I've already lost touch with, and I'll miss them just as dearly, but the wider chasm will make it more acceptable. I'll shed this place, for better or worse.

And I won't even be there long... Damn. This will be a wild ride. I'm not ready, but I've Never been ready. Always too young, in mind, body. I've always felt like I get into my races ten seconds after the others have started, and it's so daunting to catch up. Daunting, normally, because I wasn't that great at most of the races. I've found the few that I shine best at, and can sprint to make up the distance, but here again... I feel like I just Finished a race and haven't been given proper recovery time. I Really wanted to handle these loans before I left, but, that doesn't seem to be an option. So, I hurtle myself off this cliff, and spread my arms, come what be.

A year is hard enough without Sam, but two? And no Erick for the second year? And who knows what would happen in that time. No. the cliff with them it is. I trust them and their intuition. This could turn out to be perfect, the best choice I've made (in, I'll admit, a line of sometimed suspect choices). Let's see!

Fragile Art.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

ohhh, you


Fragile Art

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

hey, jealousy.

Mm. So much has happened since last I updated this. (Well, not technically. I may have drunk updated at one point, but I destroyed the evidence of that.) So, we have Philly Adventures Staring Boris Petkov and his delightful girlfriend MaryKay (I honestly don't care if she does that capitalized K in her name, I'll do it for her if not). We have sorta cute bus rise home. We have realization that I've managed to come across a couple friendships that are more than words can give praise to. And... France. Weird?



Anyhow. So, I took a three day vacation and sent myself to Philly (note to self: find another cheap time to do this soon). The first day is sometimes so sharp in my memory, and sometimes so hazy, and I blame that thoroughly upon the amount of alcohol my friends kept pushing towards me. The point of the trip was to get out there and spend some much overdue time with my friend, Boris. He's been there for me for a Long time, and it's honestly impossible to imagine my life had I somehow managed to miss him. But, that's a post for another day. I also wanted to get out there and get to know his new ladyfriend better, seeing as she has to get best friend acceptance if she wanted to continue dating him. From the moment I was off the bus, the plying began... "Hey, there's this really nice Irish-style pub we could get lunch at!" Had a beer there, some cognac in his room (good stuff), and then, off again to a wine bar to meet some of his work friends. They came late, after I'd had two glasses and was looking out the window waiting for my other friend Mark Wolfe to swing by and steal me for (Gasp! Who'd have guessed?!) drinks and dinner.

What I'm trying to say is, I was intoxicated at at least a low level the entire first day. Which is what I blame my drunken pouting that night on.

That night... What a surreal experience. I met back up with Boris, and we walked down to this posh hotel to visit this guy I'd met the last time I was out there named JJ. Nice guy, though I worry about his health sometimes. Anyhow, we get up to his place, change into trunks, and, with the addition of Gin (a friend of theirs, sweet girl) head off to the hotels hot tub to soak and pass around some fancy Belgian beers. Here I am, in this hotel, in this hot tub, with a future company owner, a rich "I helped found a company that eventually got bought out by google and now I work for them and they shit gold" charismatic bloke, and a cute foreign girl. Passing around bottles. How did I get there? When will that nice guy at the front door come walking up to ask me politely to leave, as he'd finally noticed that I didn't belong there. My drunk self, surrounded by opulence and excess suddenly became cripplingly aware of just how little he was worth (at least at the moment). Clammed up a bit, got alittle moody... What a shame. I typically handle those situations so much better than that, but I just didn't have it in me that night.

MaryKay. Her and Boris are cute. I'm trying to feel out how our triangle of a friendship will settle, though. I'd love something akin to what I have with Erick and Sam, but I have no idea on how to judge Boris. I don't want to make him feel awkward or jealous. I just felt like there was a great chance at having a very intimate relationship with MaryKay(without the intimates), just close as I am to him. I'd love to be able to show my affection with a kiss on the cheek or... Just showing attention to her. It''s hard to explain, but around boyfriends and girlfriends, you have to be constantly on guard. Some people get so jealous if you show too much interest, even if it's just friendly. But I didn't get that from them. We all cuddled to sleep that second night, and I couldn't have felt more at home or right. It's a great feeling that I get from the thought of maybe having two friendships like I have with Erick and Sam. It's warmth and love. Who doesn't want that? I just like being so close, without worrying about those physical details that sometimes get in the way. "Oh no! You're two humans! You couldn't possibly just have a simple love for one another without it getting hot and heavy!"

Honestly? It feels like family. I like that.

So, finally it came to trekking home, via megabus. I Barely make it there on time (thank you Boris, and your intuition), and end up the last person to get on. As I walk down the isle everyone gives me that old "we're too cool to share a seat" gradeschool vibe, and the only person kind enough to make room for me is this black girl in the back. After getting settled in I fall asleep against the window, and wake up to find her asleep, leaned over onto the seat between us with her head on my Sherlock Holmes bible. I had my coat in my lap, folded it, woke her up gently, and offered it. She accepted. No words exchanged at all. Just nice gestures. It was beautiful. I love moments like that, the ones that restore a tiny bit of faith in humanity. It's nothing big, of course, but little things like that just refresh.

And, I think I shall save my France thoughts for tomorrow. It's Waaay to late to still be up.

Fragile Art.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

i write like vladimir nabokov

Or so this text analyzer says. Hrm. While I've actually read about him before, I feel like it MAY be a bit of a lolfail of a comparison.

Ah, yeah. I'm enjoying the most delightful of tequila highs right now. Or is it lows? Lows implies that it's bad. It's not. It's delightful.

Spending so much time at IUP has led me to certain avenues of thought. 1) That, GOD DAMN, do I miss all of those people. There are so many people there that I miss, that I loved seeing every day. For all the drama, if that's the price? I'd pay it, gladly. (Sadly, the price has dollar signs..) 2) Where I am now just isn't the same.

But this is what I'm hoping for with Seattle. I love the concept of the recreation. I'm enamored with the idea of tearing myself apart and building myself again with all the lessons I've learned. The various me's (Gradeschool Mikey, high school Mrod, college Mike) disassembled, and reassembled with a bit more finesse. All of the better features taken and incorporated into a new whole. I think I got very close to what I want out of myself in college, but there were some obvious flaws with that model. It WAS wholly functional, though, and much more likely to survive in the real world than it's predecessors. The problem? I jettisoned some of the important ideals of previous builds. Well.. If I'm honest, I never Meant to let them fall away. I reacted to scenarios that I didn't expect, and in fashions I'm not always quite proud of. But, it was a learning experience, and an important one. I'll take all that information, and use it to mold something better.

I can't wait to meet the final me. Michael. A creature, yes, but hopefully one that I can Fully respect.

Haha, what a dream. It sounds like such bullshit, but I'd love for it to work out Just this way. Seattle has become such an ideal, I'm almost afraid for the moment when I've finally settled in. Because, when that happens, what are the odds that it can live up to the idea I've built up in my head? Hm.

That's the adventure though. And it's fun to know that I have so much more adventure to look forward to.

Fragile Art

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

must be 3am.

Restless mind at 3am.

Yesterday was awesome. Truly, a day that can reaffirm everything. I can't believe I still have so many friends hiding out in ol' IUP. I got there early, and never really got a chance to slow down between making spur of the moment plans with friends I had intended to see, and spending hours catching up with people that I (like a jerk) hadn't even thought of. There was some guilt tripping, and some people that got missed, but all and all, I couldn't have asked for a warmer reception. I miss so much about that place. Locales, and locals, with the latter holding the distinct advantage.

Pangs. Felt at the oddest times. Though in hindsight, I should have seen them coming. But the "power-through option" returned, which was just amazing and oh so well timed.

It's still going to be busy for me in the near future... I've got Philly in a few days to make good on a promise, and almost all free time before that is booked. Oy. It only confounds everything more that I have so little money right now. I Should be spending them on loans, and I promise to do my best to see that come to pass, but I Can't go to philly without alittle cash, can I? Maybe I can convince Boris to pay for it all...

Fragile Art

Friday, April 1, 2011


"lol watching Goodmoring America today, they said the best match makers are the ones who look alike...its funny cause it kind of makes since. Its almost symbolic, like Eve coming from Adam's rib. DEEP ♥"

This was a post a friend of mine made on facebook. I'm not dick enough to say this Too her, but I Have to say it. I have to. "... Yes... Since. Makes perfect Since. Just like Eve coming from Adam's rib."

Fragile Art