Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Oh, I am a Villain... But I'm not Your villain.

That is such a nice line. Heavens above, how I love such lines.

"Hell! Is Repetition!"

What a glorious moment in my life, such words exploding with all necessary emotion and flair of the dramatic. I don't think I'll ever have a line so well written, and so well timed. Of course, I invite anyone to attempt to top it, obviously. Write it, I'll portray it, and even if you fall short, I won't think any less of you. I'll simply have enjoyed the try. I still want to act, so badly. It's a fire in my blood. I know that, while I'm doing it, I feel invincible. A force that cannot be tamed, with only the hope of directing it between us all and it's fury. While on the stage, I know where I'm meant to be. I'm a creature made to wear the mask, to bring to life fantasy and fiction.

Sometimes it's weird to just be myself, you know?

I find it's so much easier to play a part. I know what's expected of me by everyone else. It's become instinct simply to satisfy it. And they all judge, of course, as if they really knew what I am. But they don't. The mob is as it always is. Stupid and base.

The idea of someone talking behind my back is always a curious one. On one hand, I could care less what most peoples feelings and thoughts towards me are. I don't have an abundance of respect to give out, so it's given out sparingly. On the other hand, I'm honestly just insulted they don't have the guts to say it to my face. I don't care what you have to say, I only care that you own up to it. Look me in the face when you have something to say, and be out with it. Otherwise, be on your way. You're obviously not worthy of moments of my full attention.

Oh, do I feel grandiose tonight! This is what happens when I want to act. I could bound all across the earth like this, I feel such an abundance of energy. I cannot Wait to be done with this phase of my life. Let the student loans get out of my Way, so as I can start Using this energy towards something worthwhile. I also suppose I could go back. I've been toying with that for a while.

Should I? I do admit I grow tired of having to say I didn't finish, having to explain myself. I shouldn't Have to explain myself. But I can't lie and say I wouldn't feel better with that stupid piece of paper, even if it ends up costing me a few more thousand over time... Maybe I could leave this pathetic job of mine. It'll keep me from doing anything stupid like getting myself fired, at least. Ah well.

Have a good one, World.


Sunday, December 26, 2010


It's late. And I'm terrible at keeping up with these. I guess it's just a matter of me feeling like, if I'm gonna share what I'm thinking, it ought to be Exactly what I'm thinking. The only issue is, do I really want people to know that much about what goes on in my head? The world is filled with people just waiting for you to say something, something worth mocking. But you know what?

Fuck you.

I guess I'm just tired of silence. That's the great human fear, right? We're social creatures, so silence, being alone, those are our biggest worries. But I find myself in a web of silence that I don't enjoy in the least. People that used to be friends, or more than friends, either actively not talking to me, or actively not being talked To by me. What a sad shame that is. I'm doing my best to struggle free from a few of the sticky threads, and let a few of my own dissipate, but it still looms. It's constantly on my mind. Probably because most of them are old flames of mine, and I can honestly say I miss all of them, in a way. You never quite forget, do you? I know I'm basically stealing this part from a movie I just saw, but, the little things. You never forget those. No matter how painful or stupid the ending, there was something that drew me in.

I've loved a lot. Maybe not thoroughly romantically each time, but at least to a point many times. I recall trying to explain that once to a girlfriend, trying desperately to tell her that, No! I loved her dearly, but I still loved others. That doesn't take away from it, love is not a finite resource. It's a well that doesn't go dry. Each person that I've truly called friend, I've loved. Maybe it's just me, though. It takes so much sometimes to get past my defenses that I have to love you to let you get that far. So, you'll have to excuse me if I ever lose myself in nostalgia. Or have a moment that I just need to savor the bittersweet feeling of remembrance. I can't help it. They deserve it.

For now, though, I'm going to say that romantic love is not something I'm looking for. I have no idea what I'd want, or even how to really handle a relationship. I'm always surprised how little I actually know how to do. How does one not just fall into a rut, you know? What do you do when you're no longer Chasing a girl? I'm halfway decent at the chase, but that's only because I've had so much practice. You'd think I'd know how to have a relationship by now. By the practice vein, I should be alright. But, no. I'm usually gone by the time the glow has passed. (You know. The glow. That weird "I don't see flaws!" time period after you've met someone, and that person has piqued your interest.)

Bah! Anyhow, I'm sleepy. This is enough randomness for now. I'll try to have something real to talk about next time.

(fuck the quotes thing)

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


Get it right on this pass. That's a line from Kevin Spacey's character. I guess I could have done a better job of that thus far, but I'm trying to set it right now. I may not be doing a very good job, perhaps, but we don't really get practice rounds, do we? I would just enjoy it if the difficulty level could be ratcheted down just alittle. I don't really care to bring up the biggest issue on my mind on here right now, such personal drama is rarely something that belongs in such a public place. I just... Beh. I make bad decisions, is all that anyone needs to know.

Monday, June 21, 2010


Aw man, I'm going to miss this thing. I gotta say, living here with Taylor was definitely a treat, and there were moments that both enriched my life, and that I would never trade for the world. Heh... I'm getting sad just touching upon the subject. It's one of those things, you know? I'll never have it again, but it was the best while it lasted. I really am going to miss this whole experience, and I know that living with my family for while will constantly remind me of this. I'm confident, though, that should for some reason I need to get away from it, I'll be able to. I just need to start paying back some of what I owe, and when I get a good handle on that, I'll start considering a place of my own.

I dunno, though. I imagine that living by myself would kill me. I need the constant interaction of people. It's just who I am. When I have too much time to myself, I get too reflective and start to drive myself nuts. So, perhaps it Is best I wait. And, you know, the whole Australia thing might actually happen, so I'll have Erick to live with for a while, and that should be awesome. I love, and miss, that boy. What the Fuck is he doing so far away? Pff. Tool. (Of the Titans.)

Yeah. So, listening to my music right now. Tim McGraw. I gotta admit to it. Some of his songs, they're the most beloved in my world. Lyrics to songs like "Just To See You Smile," they get me every time. I guess I have some sort of naive assumption that this is exactly what love it, and some masochistic interest in being that sort of martyr. Beh. I'm something, but maybe not that.

Anyhow, I'm currently working on a film project with a friend of mine. I've never seen myself as the most creative person, preferring a script ready for me rather than improv or writing myself, but this far I've exceeded my expectations. I've helped him flesh out every character, and re-written the end (the idea at least, if not actually putting pen to paper myself) and, really, most of the story as well. I can't WAIT to play the part I want, though. It's a middling role, but he seems like such a fun, reckless type. It should be amazing, getting throw myself into that role as intensely as I have my last few. I don't mean to sound egotistic (Haha), but I'm so supremely confident in my talent right now, I'd take on Anything (besides like, Shakespeare. I'd get roasted there. Not my sorta thing.) right now. Bring me any role! I'll make it mine, and I'll turn it out as well as anyone else, and better than most. ;} Anyhow. Back to life. Tata.

"True country music is honesty, sincerity, and real life to the hilt."
Garth Brooks

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

2 days.

That's it. I have two more days of college left. I mean, I guess I haven't had any college left for a While now, but humor me on this. I'm alittle sore right now. Erick Randolph enjoys trying to kill me every once and a while at parties. I'm going to go ahead and assume he could, if he was willing to actually hurt me, put me down. But if it's just pure skill, I'll get him every time in the wrestling department. Of course, showing him that last night at our "Fairwell Pot-Luck Dinner" resulted in a little bit of a concussion scare for me, and a big lump and swollen temple. Which looks awesome, right now. I can see little under the skin blood spots, it's really quite lovely. I can't bite down fully, lest it flex too much, and make my temple way too tight.

But enough about that (I won't even Tell you about the awesome takedown I had on him, getting my arm up infront of him as I kicked out the back of his knee and brought me arm ba... -Cough-) let's clue everyone in on where I am now. I've finished up all my shows for the semester by now. The one act went splendidly, for Tost. We had a really strong opening weekend, and though our second to last show was 'eh, and the last show was merely acceptable, I'm very happy with it. It apparently offended at least one person, and... Whatever, you know? At least it got them thinking. Alternative relationships have to get some light shined down on them, if they are ever to be fully accepted by the world. Plus, it's fun to prod closed-minded people. (ugh. Just touched the sore spot on my skull.) I think I may have lost a good friend on the final night of shows though, but honestly... I can't do it anymore. I'm done with people flipflopping, or walking all over me. I've pretty much set myself to the callous course of letting go. For some reason, I keep letting this one girl do it to me... But I don't actually think she means to. But I admit, I'm someone mean when I ignore her. It's only to save myself the emotional strain though, so, I cannot feel too bad about it, right? I've let someone that used to be (used to? Fuck off.) very important to me go, and she's proven me right thus far in this exercise on real life. But I know a piece of me still clings. And I have No idea what I'm going to do about Dave Matthews this summer. Supposed to be driving to see him with Lauren and her, and... That's two days in close contact with someone that doesn't want to invest any real emotion or care into me. So, yeah. And, yeah. Flipflopping? Not accepted, right now. I've exposed too much of my soft underbelly lately, I think it's a good time to grow some thicker hide.

It does suck, though. She helped me through a really horrible time in my life, and I really thought I'd been helpful to her, as well. But, apparently not, as she so delightfully told me. I keep considering sending her a message, or an e-mail, but I just don't want to. Not that I don't care. But I refuse. I did nothing wrong but allow myself to speak how I wanted to in the middle of a ridiculous situation. If she chooses to blow it all out of proportion in her own mind, that's her prerogative. It's just amusing to see the world flip on it's head, at this point, as my perennial enemies seem to treat me nicely and friends become hurtful.

But anyhow! Despite that, the show went well overall. I'm happy with it. My other show went stupendously as well. I put my all into that Lucifer character. I have no real regrets, though I do have to admit I'd love to have another showing, just to really get it this time. We were all alittle off... But, when you only have one showing, that's it, you know? I have a video from it, and I'm always surprised to see how much I enjoy watching my own acting (Ego alert!). I just used to hate seeing myself so much when I was younger. I'd hide, ask to go to the bathroom, when it was almost my turn to be shown on video to the class in spanish. I couldn't handle it back then. But now? I can feel the whole experience again as I watch, reliving it. Tearing myself apart, while at the same time enjoying what I did thoroughly.

This has to be my life. I want it, and I'll have it.

"Acting is half shame, half glory. Shame at exhibiting yourself, glory when you can forget yourself." - John Gielqud 

Monday, March 8, 2010

Destination : Las Vegas

I’m writing this in the car, so, it’s obviously a post that will be up later than it was composed. Currently, we’re heading to La Jolla, where we will be purchasing goods, services, and various souvenirs with our currency, good looks, and charm. I just found out my phone and Erick’s camera cord work together, so I was able to dump some pictures onto my lappies hard drive. This’ll make life SO much easier, as I was kicking myself for forgetting my own cord before. So, there will be a lot more pictures for face book later, because of this.
I can’t stress enough how awesome this has all been, and what conflicting emotions it produces. It brings me back to my time in Japan, just in the differences in scenery and feeling slightly out of place. Even Ohio had a bit of this feel, and the hotel totally reminded me of that.  I’m glad I’m here with Erick, because we work so damn well together, and tend to play well off the others strengths. This a combo, I think, that will survive Australia, Seattle… And all that crap in between.
Just left the beach, got our pants soaked alittle, our feet wet. It was a good time, kids, trust me. I feel like Mike, Ericks friend, is kind of keeping us down, though. He’s more knowledgeable of the are, yes, but he’s also… Kind of  awkward. But it’s alright. I’d just love to have more conversation time, just between best friends, you know? We’re in Cali! What would make for better conversation? We just spent the last 5 hours or so on this little strip out here, hanging out, talking to store owners, enjoying the air. California just Smells good. We got some ice cream at this little place that boasted two celebrity pictures; Mandy Moore (When she was younger) and Cuba Gooding Jr, (When he may have still been relevant).And now? Now we’re on our way to Vegas! Goodbye, crazy trees. Goodbye, ocean. Goodbye, scents of my youth. Goodbye, seals puking on each other. Hello open road!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Current Location: San Diego

Haha, yeah yeah, it's been a while since I posted, and I'm not even on the same side of the country. But, deal with it! I just finished my show, and I'll use that show as my excuse for not saying anything on here for about three weeks. It's been three weeks of two-three hour rehearsals every day. So, that'll do it, trust me.

Anyhow, Yesterday, me and Erick and his friend Mike Lowe got up at 4, and drove to the airport in Pittsburgh, and proceeded to fly our asses from PA to Cali. We hit San Fran first, and after three hours there, flew here. And, so far, I gotta say, San Diego has been Amazing. I'm so used to Evergreens and Maples, and here are trees of such crazy shape and color, along with PALM TREES. What an extravagance! And, there are things in bloom, and vibrant colors. Living in PA during the winter, you forget that things are alive out there, and you live in a world of brown, tan, and gray. Here, there is green, and all the colors you can find when you have flowers peeking forth. And, the smell of the ocean? You can't understand. I haven't seen, or felt, or smelled this particular ocean since I was 7. When I saw it, I had to climb down some rocks and get my hands into it, you know? It felt almost like some sort of ritual, ending a long lasting journey away from what I used to know. I keep trying to get people to understand how it feels, but I just don't have the words for it. I... Honestly don't think anyone quite gets it. But, I know it's giving me a kick in the ass. I want to get out of here! (Here, being PA, not San Diego.) I want to get on my way to Seattle, and start my life! I'm just... this has been electrifying, so far.

I'll even be eating at a Jack in the Box again. Heh... I mean, that I've seen Somewhat recently, I.E., about 5 years ago. But that's still such a long time. I'm tired of feeling like this all went so fast. Screw living in fast forward, without actually Living. If I'm going to be wasting time, I want to be doing it while feeling alive and in the moment. Life is a stage! The World is a Stage! And damn it, I'm an actor. And a good enough one, I think. ;D I'll write more, when I get time. I love all you crazy bastards.

Fragile Art,
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

Saturday, February 13, 2010

700 Dollars Lighter

Well, all end all, it's been a good couple of days. I only made it into one one-act, apparently, but I'm very happy with the one I got into. The director is this really, super chill girl named Natalie. I get to play a part I've always wanted to... I'm Lucifer. And not just some stupid "Oooo... I'm the devil!" kinda Lucifer, but a thinking, original character. I feel bad for my friends... I honestly think that about 75% of my conversation contribution since has been me being excited about this. It'll be a good show, trust me.

Wow. It's... My thoughts are scattered right now. I spent a really nice night with Lori, yesterday, having hot chocolate and tea. I'm just... Really happy that we can talk again. Hearing people talk about losing their person to talk to, I can relate. When I lost her, that was just a bad time. You can't take that out of your life. It's not acceptable. Everyone needs someone they can be just... Blatantly honest with, you know? That person you know you could say anything to, complain, or share joy with. That's who she is for me. I mean, yeah, perhaps I can't tell her Anything, but, I know that if I had to share it all with someone, I could trust her with that. It's really nice to have that back.

In other news, I just dropped 700 dollars on my car. Grah. Are you kidding me? But, I just can't be mad about it. It's what had to be done, right? If it had to be done, what use is there being ridiculous about it? Plus, now I don't have to worry half as much about it. Just kinda makes my plans alittle harder. I think I'll be borrowing money again by the end of the semester. Or, maybe I can do it. If I work, alot. But I don't want to think about this! I can't wait for rehearsals to start! And hanging out with these kids. They seem pretty legit. I like the director, having Kevin (This dude from my acting class) around is awesome. Argh! Want! And, I just got friended on facebook by a director that didn't choose me? Haha, well, I liked her, so... I'm glad she did. Amused, though. Takes a bold person to do that. Anyhow! This is all you get, thus far! And I apologize for the lack of truly, deeply mindful posts. They'll happen. Just not alot of time.

Fragile Art,
"I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages."

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


It's gonna be a good semester. 4 call backs. (Three that I knew of.) Three accepted. (Don't have an English accent, and don't wanna deal with that.) Three callbacks Rocked, if I do say so myself. This is my semester. I'm going to be in all of them, mark my words. Just mark them.

Sunday, February 7, 2010


Welp, there it is. Auditions were today. Good times. I Was, sorta kinda, studying for my Cognition test (Sorta Kinda being defined as "Four fifths off topic, one fifth actual study") when my phone reminded me that I had auditions tonight. Oy. Ran across campus, only to find that I was intelligent! And had set me phone to warn me hours in advance. Yay, past me, for thinking better than present me. But, I've found that that continues to be the case. Anyhow, I digress. I ran across campus, and, huffing and puffing, began to fill out my audition form.

Can I say that, my gosh, what a long time it's been since I've had the jitters? My hand was shaking so much that I didn't trust it to sign for me, and instead opted to write out my acting history on the back before even making an attempt. Heh... I don't miss that part soo much. But... I'm so used to TOST at this point, yes? I haven't auditioned in front of strangers in a while now. These were all people I'd never even met before, and I felt like such a novice. But, I like to think I did well enough to get me into a one act. I... may have been a little more stiff than I expected out of myself, but I've always been a weak auditioner. It's the one thing that worries me. Given alittle time, and I promise, I'll be able to handle my role on par with, or better than, anyone else. But that first run through, ugh, that's the killer. I was that way with Tost, but they all know what I can do now, so, it's almost too easy. I... get respect. It's weird how it feels to recognize it. I think I'll grow to like ti more, once I get passed the shock. 

I saw a couple people there that drew forth different reactions. A certain Matt allowed me to prove once again that you can be perfectly civil with someone you don't respect. Even friendly, close. But, I'll never get passed someone accepting roles, and then never showing up, or even casting out a courtesy e-mail to let the director know what's up. That's just rude, and shows a lack or professionalism. But not just that. I lied. It shows something deeper. You don't want anyone that has to Learn that lesson through life. You want someone that already Knows that that isn't acceptable. Beh. Heh. And the girl that thought I was gay (admittedly through some badly chosen words and phrases on my part) was there, but of course she would be. She's the only reason I actually might accept the chance at tech work, if I don't get cast... She was the SM, I believe, for other shows, and if she decides to do that again, I'd like to work with her. Tyler was there too... great actor, I always try to tell him how much I appreciate his craft after a show, but I fear that I'm just someone annoying. Ah well. I like it when people do that. Hopefully he does as well.

Annnyhow, I should be getting around to writing those 500 words for class. Let's see how that comes out.

Fragile Art,
“1) She doesn't get eaten by the eel at this time. 2) WHAT!? 1) I'm explaining to you because you look nervous. 1)I'm not nervous. Well, maybe I was a bit...concerned but that's not the same thing.”

Friday, February 5, 2010

Riot Act

So, today Rick, my theatre professor, dragged me and Ryan (I'm going to use names you may not know of. Accept it. We'll move on.) aside. Oy. It's not that I mean to miss the class. It's a matter of things simply coming up, or... Yeah. Being lazy. But that class is literally the only one I care about this semester. Doesn't that kill? My Psych classes mean nothing to me, and sociology is even Farther down the list than that. I'm so ready to get out of here, I really am.

It's the friends that keep me around though, for this one last semester of limbo. One more, and then I'll deal with working towards life. !!! Argh! That's so exciting! I know that I'm ready, that I can handle anything the rears it's ugly head. Even if I can't, I've got my friends, I've got Erick who professes to be interested in tagging along for the ride. Even if he doesn't, though... How romantic of an idea is this? Moving across the country, setting up shop without a fallback, and just... Auditioning? Making it work. Taking crappy jobs to maintain while I look for real work. That's what life is about!

Auditioning... Speaking of that, Tost auditions are coming up, and I just signed up to do a cold reading for Waller one-acts. Not super concerned about either, though. Just something to keep the rust off, and keep my practice up. Only one Tost show is at all interesting, so, I feel bad for anyone coming to see them, but if I get the role I want (And damn it, I will), trust me.... it'll be worth the three others. Parker seems like just... Such a difficult character. So many subtle nuances that have to be realized, it reminds me alot of the play I directed. I would have loved to actually have played a part in it, but directing it was an experience all it's own, so I think it was more than totally worth missing out. Feh... If my male lead would have just enjoyed the Publish Postrole more, I know it could have really been something. Alas, not everyone is like me, I guess. There's something wonderful about a two person play, though! The energy that you Have to have, the interaction speed... You have to be willing to take on alot of pressure. There is no leeway for mistakes when it comes to that sort of play. Either you make the audience believe they're privy to a very private exchange between two people, or it's all for naught. Give me Parker, and trust me, one half of Change on the Table is secured.

Enough for now! I've got cleaning to do. Apparently Tay is throwing a party tonight. Haha, awesome life.

Fragile Art,
"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."

Thursday, February 4, 2010

... Wow. Creepy.

michael4724 up851 down love it hate it
A very cool guy who makes everyone laugh. Once you meet him, you will want to be his friend right away. He is super cute and very good-looking. He has amazing taste...in music, clothes, food, everything. Every girl secretly wishes that he could be her boyfriend...mainly because he recently broke up with his girlfriend...mainly because everyone knows that he likes commitment...mainly because he is sweet and knows how to treat a girl...mainly because however strange and wierd he may be, he's perfect. In his own little way, he is perfect.
Michael a very cool person.

So, this is what I find when I do that stupid "Check what your name means on urbandictionary!" Wow. Mostly because I Just became single again, after initiating a breakup. Just crazy.

Rite of Passage

It really has been a long time since I've used this sort of thing, a blog, for anything other than venting emotion. Jeez... Maybe as far back as Xanga, actually, and we all know that was in the bygone years of lore. I'm excited, though, because I think this is promising.

Like I said, I have been posting things up into the interwub, but that's more of a "This isn't for just anyones eyes" sorta thing. In fact, it wasn't meant for Anyones, though I did eventually cave to a friend, and another found it herself... beh. What a weird, naked experience that was. Anyhow, here, it'll be a public thing.

I've been growling about college alot, lately. I hate the rite of passage it's become. We've all complained about how much of a business it is now (Every school would love to become a college... Who wouldn't want that sort of money flowing in annually? Jesus.) and this is not at all an original complaint, but I don't care. I'm here for the experience. I think that's what we're really supposed to be here for, not the years of a reality bubble followed by years of financial backlash. I'm probably not getting the degree I came here for, but that's life! I don't need it anymore. It'd be nice, but I don't need a fallback. I know what I want, and I think I know how I'm going to go about it. No matter what, I know I've got what it takes to handle the journey it'll require. I honestly can't wait to get started, pay off these stupid loans and then move on, into the world. Seattle, and it's theatre scene, won't know what hit it.

I've just had enough of it, living like I owe anyone anything. I was born an accident, and I sort of assume I'll go out in an interesting one (Hopefully something my friends will laugh about). This is my life, right? And I only get what, one? Well then, hot damn! What am I waiting for?

Fragile Art,
"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."